28 Sep 2006

French Jokes

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From Marty Peretz in New Republic:

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.” –Mark Twain

“I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.” –General George S. Patton

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” –Norman Schwartzkopf

“We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.” –Marge Simpson

“As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.” –Jacques Chirac, President of France

“As far as France is concerned, you’re right.” –Rush Limbaugh

“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.” –Regis Philbin

“You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.” –John McCain, U.S. Senator (AZ)

“I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get Hitler out of France either.” –Jay Leno

“The last time the French asked for “more proof” it came marching into Paris under a German flag.” –David Letterman

“War without France would be like … uh … World War II.”

“What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?” –Dennis Miller

“It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.” –Alan Kent

“They’ve taken their own precautions against al-Quaida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.” –Argus Hamilton

“Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day–the description ‘Never shot. Dropped once.'” –Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)

“The French will only agree to go to war when we’ve proven we’ve found truffles in Iraq.” –Dennis Miller

“Raise your right hand if you like the French. Raise both hands if you are French.”

“Question: Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris?
Answer: It’s not known, it’s never been tried.” –Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)

“Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that’s because it was raining.” –John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

“The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert from ‘Run’ to ‘Hide.’ The only two higher levels in France are ‘Surrender’ and ‘Collaborate.’ The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.”

“French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney. … The French government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at EuroDisney. The decision comes that day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.” –AP Paris

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Dominique R. Poirier

Hey, perhaps didn’t you know these two other ones?

Do you know how the German invaded France so quickly during WWII?

That’s because the President took the intervening day; his personal adviser was on sick leave; and the Elysée Palace’s staff was on strike.

Two French women are chitchatting from their opened window in one of those typical big suburban popular buildings.
One says to the other: “Hey, Ginette, did you see the news at the TV today? They say the Russians are coming.”
Being visibly taken aback, the other answers: “Hell! What shall I wear?”



Dominique R. Poirier

Coincidence made that just a few hours after I send two other French jokes a much better third one appeared under the form of a scandal in the French newspaper, Le Parisien. Luckily I copied it on the the website Euronews, just before it was seemingly hastily withdrawn from publication. For those who read French language, there is still the web site of Le Parisien, the national newspaper that leaked the news first:

http://www.leparisien.com/services/afp/fra/061002092626.mqymfeji.htm

So, bellow is the best French joke of the year I think. The link is the following,

http://www.euronews.net/create_html.php?article=382802&lng=1

but, as I said, it doesn’t work anymore. Enjoy!

Rainbow Warrior claims rock French presidential race

More than two decades after the sinking of the Greenpeace ship the Rainbow Warrior, the affair has resurfaced in the French presidential election campaign. It was in July 1985 that French secret agents bombed the vessel in New Zealand, in a bid to sabotage the environmental group’s campaign against French nuclear tests in the Pacific. A photographer on board was killed. Now it is being claimed that a brother of Segolene Royal, the front-runner in opinion polls in the race to be the Socialists’ candidate for president next year, was one of the secret agents involved.

“I am a bit surprised by this controversy the day after I declared my candidacy,” she told reporters.
“I don’t know if it is a coincidence. I think if journalists want any information, they should ask the Ministry of Defence.”
In a bizarre twist, it is another of her brothers -Antoine Royale – who has made the claims about their brother Gerard.
“He told me it was he who planted the bomb,” he said in a newspaper.

Two French agents were convicted and sentenced in New Zealand to 10 years in jail. But by 1988 both had been released.



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