Category Archive 'Humor'
17 Nov 2009
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD, that . . .
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. (Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear.)
Hat tip to Bill Laffer.
29 Oct 2009
Capitol Weekly reports on an interesting recent political dialogue in California.
Assemblyman Tom Ammiano, D-San Francisco, famously told the governor to “kiss my gay ass” at a Democratic fundraiser last month. Two days later, the governor responded in the veto message of one of Ammiano’s bills.
Earlier in the month, the San Francisco Democrat was at a boisterous Democratic fund-raiser when Republican Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger stopped by to say hello. The governor, a guest of former Mayor Willie Brown, said a few words of greeting and extolled the virtues of bipartisanship. But Democrats, unhappy with the governor in their midst, booed loudly.
“Kiss my gay ass!” Ammiano shouted out.
Schwarzenegger smiled and left. But he was plotting his move.
On Oct. 11, the governor vetoed Ammiano’s AB 1176, with a seemingly innocuous and vague veto message.
Innocent enough. But when read on the governor’s Web site, the first letter of the last two paragraphs line up to spell out a clear, if crude message.
Schwarzenegger spokesman Aaron McLear said the hidden message was a “strange coincidence.”
“When you veto so many bills, something like this is bound to happen,” he said with a straight face.
21 Oct 2009
That cute little Pixar lamp stomps the letter I in those opening credits, but you’ve never seen the full story.
1:32 video
Hat tip to Karen L. Myers.
02 Oct 2009
Win7 Launch Party video (Don’t watch it!)
Charlie Booker, at the Guardian, knows that Windows sucks, but explains that he still hates Mac and Mac users more.
Recently I sat in a room trying to write something on a Sony Vaio PC laptop which seemed to be running a special slow-motion edition of Windows Vista specifically designed to infuriate human beings as much as possible. Trying to get it to do anything was like issuing instructions to a depressed employee over a sluggish satellite feed. When I clicked on an application it spent a small eternity contemplating the philosophical implications of opening it, begrudgingly complying with my request several months later. It drove me up the wall. I called it a bastard and worse. At one point I punched a table. ...
I know Windows is awful. Everyone knows Windows is awful. Windows is like the faint smell of piss in a subway: it’s there, and there’s nothing you can do about it. OK, OK: I know other operating systems are available. But their advocates seem even creepier, snootier and more insistent than Mac owners. The harder they try to convince me, the more I’m repelled. To them, I’m a sheep. And they’re right. I’m a helpless, stupid, lazy sheep. I’m also a masochist. And that’s why I continue to use Windows – horrible Windows – even though I hate every second of it. It’s grim, it’s slow, everything’s badly designed and nothing really works properly: using Windows is like living in a communist bloc nation circa 1981. And I wouldn’t change it for the world, because I’m an abject bloody idiot and I hate myself, and this is what I deserve: to be sentenced to Windows for life.
That’s why Windows works for me. But I’d never recommend it to anybody else, ever. This puts me in line with roughly everybody else in the world. No one has ever earnestly turned to a fellow human being and said, “Hey, have you considered Windows?” Not in the real world at any rate.
Until now. Microsoft, hellbent on tackling the conspicuous lack of word-of-mouth recommendation, is encouraging people – real people – to host “Windows 7 launch parties” to celebrate the 22 October release of, er, Windows 7. The idea is that you invite a group of friends – your real friends – to your home – your real home – and entertain them with a series of Windows 7 tutorials.
Win 7 Launch Party video: A very serious contender for lamest (interminable at 6:14) video ever made.
Read the whole thing.
27 Sep 2009
I knew it all along. Barack Obama is not a US citizen. He is a space alien, probably a robot. Eric Spiegelman has the proof. He compared 130 photos of Barack Obama posing with UN dignitaries at reception recently in this 0:21 video. Can that smile possibly be human?
24 Sep 2009
Rick Trebino of Georgia Tech seems a little frustrated by the process.
Hat tip to William Laffer.
01 Sep 2009
Ted Kennedy has been sober for 5 days, and is now eligible to vote in Chicago!
(Internet Viral Humor)
Hat tip to John C. Meyer.
29 Aug 2009
Felicia Day, writer of The Guild, also plays Codex
The Guild is an amusing online comedy whose storyline revolves around a group of on-line gamers playing an unnamed Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing game bearing a considerable, not entirely coincidental, resemblance to World of Warcraft.
Not surprisingly, because The Guild represents a satirical commentary by actress Felicia Day, best-known for the role of Violet on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, on her own on-line gaming addiction.
The Guild premiered on-line in 2007. Its first season consisted of ten 3-to-7-minute episodes. A second season of only six episodes ran the following year. But The Guild has attracted corporate sponsorship. Microsoft bought the exclusive right to release the first episode of Season 3 on Xbox starting this week, for one week prior to the general release September 1st.
The musical number Do You Wanna To Date My Avatar is a good introduction and has links to episodes.
WatchtheGuild
18 Aug 2009
I found this on Pat Burns’s blog today. The original source seems to be Comedy.com back in February.
17 Aug 2009
Democrat brooding over America
The late Susan Sontag, in her personal journals (undated 1957 lecture note, p.151), observed that modern leftism does not only, like Milton, make Satan into a hero, it actively embraces his cause.
One of the main strands in modern literature is diabolism—that is, self conscious inversion of moral values. This is not nihilism, the denial of moral values, but their inversion: still rule-bound, only now a ‘morality of evil’ instead of a ‘morality of good.’”
Gerard van der Ginsburg, at American Digest, pays tribute to the American party of diabolism with a new version of a familar beat poem, titled Growl.
What Socialist Party of cement and aluminum bashed open American skulls and sucked out their freedom, brains and imagination?
Democrat! Darwinist Solitude! NEA Filth! Pelosi Ugliness! Recycling Cans and unobtainable dollars! Children screaming silent under the D&C! Boys sobbing for Big Daddies! Old men weeping in the parks!
Democrat! Democrat! Nightmare of Democrat! Democrat the loveless! Gone mental Democrat! Democrat the heavy aggregator of girly-men!
Democrat the incomprehensible African-American plantation! Democrat the skull & crossbones soulless Senate and Congress of sorrows!
Democrat whose buildings are Fascist overbuilding with gun slits! Democrat the vast bloating stone of Deficit! Democrat the broke government of the pauper nation!
Democrat whose mind is pure machinery! Democrat whose blood is running tax money! Democrat whose fingers are in your wallet!
Democrat whose breast is a transexual dynamo! Democrat whose mouth is a smoking tomb! Democrat of the atheist thumb pulling out a plum and saying what a free to be bad boy am I! Democrat whose only god is Dracula!
Democrat whose eyes are a thousand broken windows! Democrat whose empty skyscrapers smolder in the long Detroit streets like endless Molochs! Democrat whose brains dream Utopia and choke in the fog of their flatulent dementia! Democrat whose smoking bongs and facial piercings crown the crapulous cities!
Democrat whose love is endless lube and lust! Democrat whose soul is welfare and affirmative racism! Democrat whose poverty is perpetual servitude to the government salad bar, no seconds!
Democrat whose only true Doctor and Cure is Kevorkian! Democrat whose foreign policy is a cloud of glowing Iranian hydrogen! Democrat whose whore is BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH!
Democrat in whom I once sat lonely! Democrat in whom I once dreamt the New Jerusalem! Crazy in Democrat! Sucker of crock in Democrat! Lacklove and deballed in Democrat!
17 Aug 2009
L33T parents draw the line at their daughter’s new boyfriend. “You’re a L33T, damnit! We don’t date N00bs, we pwn them.”
1:39 video
From College Humor via Atomic Nerds via Karen L. Myers.
05 Aug 2009
The proof, my actual Kenyan birth record, has been posted here. But, unlike Obama, I was born in Tsavo.... in a cave.
You can get your own Kenyan birth record, too, at this handy web-site.
Run right out and get one. A British passport could come in handy someday, if you ever want to visit some country barring entry to US passport holders the way Barack Obama did in the 1980s.
Hat tip to Jose Guardia.
03 Aug 2009
Divulged by Shiplord Kirel to Charles Johnson.
14 Jul 2009
From Jason Mattera on Facebook via the Washington Independent:
“If Sotomayor gained life experience from The Ghetto, does that mean she’d have a tendency to shank Scalia?”
11 May 2009
Needing to keep his job with CBS, golf analyst David Feherty apologized for saying what he really thinks in a quip published in recent Dallas-area magazine.
Fox News quotes the “unacceptable” joke:
David Feherty apologized Sunday to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid for a morbid joke that went bad in a Dallas magazine.
Feherty, one of the most popular golf analysts for his sharp wit and self-deprecating humor, was among five Dallas residents who wrote for “D Magazine” on former President George W. Bush moving to Dallas.
“From my own experience visiting the troops in the Middle East, I can tell you this though,” Feherty wrote toward the end of his column.
“Despite how the conflict has been portrayed by our glorious media, if you gave any U.S. soldier a gun with two bullets in it, and he found himself in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Osama bin Laden, there’s a good chance that Nancy Pelosi would get shot twice, and Harry Reid and bin Laden would be strangled to death.”
Feherty, a former Ryder Cup player who grew up in Northern Ireland, has gone to Iraq over Thanksgiving the past two years to visit with U.S. troops, and he created a foundation to help wounded soldiers.
“This passage was a metaphor meant to describe how American troops felt about our 43rd president,” Feherty said in a statement. “In retrospect, it was inappropriate and unacceptable, and has clearly insulted Speaker Pelosi and Senator Reid, and for that, I apologize. As for our troops, they know I will continue to do as much as I can for them both at home and abroad.
Feherty has to apologize for this “inappropriate and unacceptable” “morbid joke,” but one does not find Wanda Sykes apologizing for jokingly referring to Rush Limbaugh as “the 20th (9/11) hijacker” or anyone calling her expressing hope that “his kidneys fail” morbid or inappropriate. Instead, there is Barack Obama right next to her, grinning his head off.
Personally, I think we are all adults here and people in public life who are prominent leaders of sharply divided political factions should expect to be the subjects of uncomplimentary jokes. We can do without the prim and prissy faux outrage, particularly when it only is applied hypocritically in one direction.
30 Apr 2009
(Viral email humor of the day:)
Subject: Calling all hunters!
NEW…East African Cruise Package
We have put together a special East African Cruise Package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania).
The cost is a bit high @ $800 per person double occupancy. What we found encouraging and enlightened is that the cruise is encouraging tourists to bring their own ‘high-powered weapons’ along on the cruise.
If you don’t have weapons, you can rent them right there on the boat. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon.
The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights. All the boat does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates.
Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package: – $800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day max billing)
– M-16 full auto rental $25.00/day – ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor piercing ammo at $15.95
– Ak-47 rifle @ No charge – ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball ammo at $14.95
– Barrett M-107 .50 cal sniper rifle rental $55.00/day – 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at $9.95/each
Crew members can double as spotters for $30.00 per hour (spotting scope included).
Far Out——they even offer RPG’s at $75 and $200 for 3 standard loads or “MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @ $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire”
“Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am.”
– Meals are not included but are reasonable. – Most cruises offer a mini-bar.
Group rates and corporate discounts. Partial money back guarantee if not satisfied. “We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund half your money back including gun rental charges and any unused ammo ( mini gun charges not included).
How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia. If an attempted hijacking does not occur, we will turn the boat around and cruise at 4 knots. We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia. At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly.
Reserve your package before May 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice.”
As if all that isn’t enough to wet your appetite, there were a few testimonials:
“I’ll never hunt big game in Africa again.”
Lars – Hamburg Germany
“Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected.”
Ned – Salt Lake City, Utah USA
“I haven’t had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM.”
“Chopper’ Dan——Toledo USA.
“Like ducks in a barrel. This is a must do.—-
Zeke – Minnahaw Springs, Kentucky USA
Sign up now…don’t miss this opportunity! ! ! ! !
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Hat tip to Henry Bernatonis.
06 Apr 2009
A musical tribute to the Teleprompter of the United States.
3:36 video
04 Apr 2009
Hat tip to Henry Bernatonis.
11 Mar 2009
Hat tip to Robert Breedlove.
02 Mar 2009
The Onion reports from Arkham, Massachusetts:
Arguing that students should return to the fundamentals taught in the Pnakotic Manuscripts and the Necronomicon in order to develop the skills they need to be driven to the very edge of sanity, Arkham school board member Charles West continued to advance his pro-madness agenda at the district’s monthly meeting Tuesday.
“Fools!” said West, his clenched fist striking the lectern before him. “We must prepare today’s youth for a world whose terrors are etched upon ancient clay tablets recounting the fever-dreams of the other gods—not fill their heads with such trivia as math and English. Our graduates need to know about those who lie beneath the earth, waiting until the stars align so they can return to their rightful place as our masters and wage war against the Elder Things and the shoggoths!”
The controversial school board member reportedly interrupted a heated discussion about adding fresh fruit to school lunches in order to bring his motion to the table. With the aid of a flip chart, West laid out his six-point plan for increased madness, which included field trips to the medieval metaphysics department at Miskatonic University, instruction in the incantations of Yog-Sothoth, and a walkathon sponsored by local businesses to raise money for the freshman basketball program. “Our schools are orderly, sanitary places where students dwell in blissful ignorance of the chaos that awaits,” West said. “Should our facilities be repaired? No, they must be razed to the ground and rebuilt in the image of the Cyclopean dwellings of the Elder Gods, the very geometry of which will drive them to be possessed by visions of the realms beyond.”
West has served on the school board since 1997, when he defeated 89-year-old incumbent Doris Pesce by promising to enforce dress codes and refer repeat disciplinary cases to the three-lobed burning eye. He has run unopposed ever since.
“Charles sure likes to bang on that madness drum,” fellow school board member Danielle Kolker said. “I’m not totally sold on his plan to let gibbering, half-formed creatures dripping with ichor feed off the flesh and fear of our students. But he is always on time to help set up for our spaghetti suppers, and his bake sale goods are among the most popular.”
“I must admit, he’s very convincing,” Kolker added.
West’s previous failed proposals include requiring the high school band to perform the tuneless flute songs of the blind idiot god Azathoth and offering art students instruction in the carving of morbid and obscene fetishes from otherworldly media.
Several parents attending the meeting were not impressed by West’s outburst.
“Last month, he wanted us to change the high school’s motto from ‘Many Kinds of Excellence’ to ‘Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn,’” PTA member Cathy Perry said. “I asked if it was Latin, and he said that it was the eldritch tongue of Shub- Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young. I don’t know from eldritch tongues, but I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”
“We already changed the name of the school from Abraham Lincoln High to Nyalrothotep Academy,” Perry added. “What more does he want?”
Immediately before the vote on his motion, which was defeated eight to one, West gave his final remarks, arguing that the children are our future and that it’s the school board’s obligation to make sure they are fully versed in the unspeakable horrors still to come.
09 Feb 2009
Tom Cheney in the New Yorker, February 9, 2008
04 Feb 2009
Fark readers explore the dire possibilities.
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Hat tip to Conservative Grapevine via RightWingNews.
28 Jan 2009
Perfection personified
The View’s Joy Behar explained on Larry King Live that the reason for the comedy gap is because Barack Obama is “just too perfect.”
16 Jan 2009
David Brooks shares:
It’s true, I did break bread with Obama. It was amazing. He was carried into the house by cherubs, Bruce Springsteen and Oprah Winfrey spread rose pedals on the carpet where he was about to walk and he very considerately asked me what vintage of wine I wanted my water turned into.
It’s also a sign that Obama can talk to and understand Americans at all social levels. For example, that night with us, he had an elegant dinner filled with sophisticated ideas and complex policy conversation with a bunch of right-leaning commentators. Then the next day, he had a meeting with some liberal commentators where, I presume, he was just as fluid while using much simpler sentences, shorter words and serving Froot Loops and Hostess Twinkies. There are pundits at all levels of cognitive distinction, and Obama has to learn to address all of them.
13 Jan 2009
P.J. O’Rourke asks the question of the hour: Is it too soon to talk about the failed Obama presidency just because Obama isn’t president yet?
31 Dec 2008
Scrappleface reports that, while waiting for the inauguration, Barack Obama is working on another memoir. This one will chronicle his days in the Senate.
According to a news release from the publisher, the memoir entitled 143 Days That Shaped a Nation: The Senate Career of Barack Obama, “is third in a series of biennial Obama memoirs and promises a behind-the-scenes look at the inner workings of the senate from an outsider’s perspective, along with personal anecdotes about senate colleagues whom Sen. Obama occasionally met, or heard about.”
“When you have served as long as I have,” said Mr. Obama, “I think you have an obligation to pass on some of that wisdom that comes from your experience for the benefit of the people of the world.”
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich must now choose a replacement who has experience comparable with Sen. Obama’s — a daunting task, the governor said, “when you realize that whomever I pick as junior senator might be just one great speech away from the Democrat presidential nomination.”
29 Dec 2008
The Richter Scales update the old tune to fit contemporary gloom.
2:12 video
29 Dec 2008
Humorist Dave Barry lists strange occurrences in 2008.
O.J. actually got convicted of something.
Gasoline hit $4 a gallon—and those were the good times. ...
The surprise winner is Barack Obama, who is running for president on a long and impressive record of running for president. A mesmerizing speaker, Obama electrifies voters with his exciting new ideas for change, although people have trouble remembering exactly what these ideas are because they are so darned mesmerized. Some people become so excited that they actually pass out. These are members of the press corps.
25 Nov 2008
The Telegraph reports a continental example of the kind of robust European racial humor that would be completely unacceptable in the politically correct United States.
In an episode that could potentially strain relations between Warsaw and Washington, Radek Sikorski, an Oxford-educated politician who has lived in the US, was reported to have made the jibe by an opposition politician, Ryszard Czarnecki.
Writing in his blog, Mr Czarnecki, an MEP, quoted the foreign minister as saying: “Have you heard that Obama may have a Polish connection? His grandfather ate a Polish missionary.”
21 Nov 2008
Office worker burning the midnight oil finds an amazing opportunity at the copier machine.
2:49 video
14 Nov 2008
The Onion’s bipartisan panel of political pundits discuss government’s response to the current financial crisis.
1:56 video
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Hat tip to Scott Drum.
09 Oct 2008
The Howard Stern Show tests the role of the issues in the decisions of some Harlem voters.
2:48 audio
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Hat tip to Scott Drum.
07 Oct 2008
British comedians John Bird and John Fortune explain the whole thing.
8:49 video
02 Oct 2008
Jim Treacher has the scoop.
24 Sep 2008
BBSpot has the story:
Nigerian philanthropic billionaire Esenam Ayele said that he would make $80 billion dollars available to US banks from his accounts in Nigeria. All he needed to transfer the funds was a trusted associate at the bank.
It couldn’t come at a better time for Wall Street as the bankruptcy of Lehman Brothers, the sale of Merrill Lynch and government bailout of AIG has left markets tumbling with no bottom in site. The guaranteed funds should bring some stability back to financial institutions.
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson said Ayele could be trusted. “I know he’s had problems in the past with people believing him, but I assured the folks over at Washington Mutual that he was for real.”
Ayele, who has returned to wealth with the rise in oil prices, said from his palace in Lagos, “I just need someone to fax me a copy of the transfer codes on some bank stationery, and I’ll get the money right over.”
He added that his widowed sister also had more funds she could transfer out of the country which she inherited from Prince Ugube of Tanzania. “She just as helpful as I am, but she’s unable to come to the United States because of a visa issue. If somebody could just send her a cashier’s check for $1000, she’ll be able to clear everything up and transfer the funds.”
The American government would rather have private funds involved as to not create the appearance that taxpayers will rescue every bank from dumb mistakes.
“I’m glad I can be of service,” said Ayele. “The American people have done so much for me. I’m thankful to return the favor.”
The Dow Jones Industrial Average was down 1,458 points on the news.
14 Sep 2008
Not super funny, but Fey does imitate the governor’s vocal mannerisms perfectly.
5:10 video
08 Sep 2008
The Anchoress pictures the scene in which a poll-sinking prodigy comes hat-in-hand asking for the aid of the man he disrespected.
06 Sep 2008
Future News via Patriot Room and Category 5 Hurricane Sarah Makes Landfall at Daily Kos.
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New Sarah Palin Facts:
TWylite: Sarah Palin shot a moose in Juneau, just to watch him die.
Chuck: Sarah Palin saved Obama’s butt by finding eight missing states.
05 Sep 2008
Presumptive democrat looker tells Q&O in a comment:
Jesus was a community organizer. Pilate was a governor.
To which Treacher responds:
And last night was the crucifixion.
And in a later moment of l’esprit de l’escalier, the same Treacher adds:
You know who else was a community organizer? Don Corleone.
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Via Instapundit.
05 Sep 2008
link
I wonder if this program is as obtrusive and controlling as Vista.
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Hat tip to Karen L. Myers.
01 Sep 2008
Sarah Palin Facts:
The Russians sold Alaska to America because Sarah Palin would not submit to autocracy.
Alaska is the 49th state solely because they knew even before she was born that Sarah Palin would never finish last.
Global Warming doesn’t kill polar bears. Sarah Palin does – usually with her bare hands.
Sarah Palin is allowed first dibs on Alaskan wolfpack kills.
Sarah Palin isn’t allowed to wield the gavel at the convention because they’re afraid she’ll use it to kill liberals.
Sarah Palin begins every day with a moment of silence for the political enemies buried in her yard.
Sarah Palin’s enemies are automatically added to the Endangered Species List
Sarah Palin got Tom Brady pregnant, and then left him.
Chuck Norris wishes he was Sarah Palin trapped in a man’s body.
Sarah Palin paid her way through school by hunting for yeti pelts with a slingshot.
Sarah Palin knows the location of DB Cooper’s body because she threw him from the plane
Death once had a near-Sarah Palin experience.
Sarah Palin is the “other” whom Yoda spoke about.
Sarah Palin will give birth to the man who will lead humanity’s war against the machines.
Sarah Palin uses French Canadians as bait to catch giant king salmon.
To prep for her role as Tracy Flick in “Election,” Reese Witherspoon spent the ‘98 seal clubbing season with Palin
Sarah Palin is actually Kaiser Sose.
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From Steve Sailer via Tim of Angle.
30 Aug 2008
1:43 video
Hat tip to Karen L. Myers.
29 Aug 2008
Stingray puts a dramatic spin on the everyday adventure of using a PC.
Ok, who brought the cheetos?”
“Yo.”
“Sweet, we’re all set. Everybody got their characters rolled?”
“Yeah, what’s this run again? Will there be decent gold? I need more gold.”
“Shaddup. You know you’ll find out when you’re in there. All right. It’s morning and your party is preparing to adventure.”
“My sysadmin orders a barrel of coffee.”
“My programmer lights a cigarette.”
“The first challenge approaches. A digital anachrotroll draws near, brandishing the smoking ruins of the laptop you prepared for last week’s adventure.” ...
“The laptop remains broken.”
“All right. My sysadmin casts information request.”
“Rolling… you receive gibberish.”
“Damnit. My sysadmin arranges a pickup on the machine.”
“The troll misses the pickup and grows irritated.”
“Screw it. Your turn.”
“My programmer arranges a pickup.”
“The troll arrives with the laptop and deposits the smoking yet still slimy remains on your best pack.”
“Delightful. Will you have your damn sysadmin fix this thing already and get rid of the troll?”
“Yeah yeah. I’m rolling. Crap, the dice are not friendly today. At least it’s fixable, technically. Ok, my sysadmin returns the laptop in working order.”
Read the whole thing.
28 Aug 2008
Since I detest Vista, I’ve started fooling around with Linux on a new laptop. Ubuntu installed easily, but there is this little problem with accessing the Internet.
My wife sent me the following cartoon some weeks ago as a warning, and I’m afraid it already seems to be a very accurate picture of my Linux experience.
14 Aug 2008
The best collection.
A few samples:
Every now and then, Obama opens his eyes and the world springs into existence.
When a tree falls in the forest, Obama hears it.
Obama can clap with one hand.
When Obama squints dreamily into the distance, he can see next week’s lottery winning numbers. But he never plays because that would mean poverty of ambition.
Hat tip to PatRacimore.
08 Aug 2008
Sharing: A lesson on human nature
I was talking to a friend of mine’s little girl the other day. I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she replied, “I want to be President!” Both of her parents are liberal democrats and were standing there. So then I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?”
She replied, “I’d give houses to all the homeless people.”
“Wow – what a worthy goal.” I told her, “You don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my porch, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where this homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house.”
Since she is only 6, she thought that over for a few seconds. While her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”
And I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”
Her folks still aren’t talking to me.
21 Jul 2008
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1958 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2008 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1958 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1958 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1958 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, and goes to college.
2008 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1958 – Ants die.
2008 – BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated; Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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