Never Yet Melted » H.P. Lovecraft

Dr. Seuss’ s “Call of Cthulhu”

JDZ — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 14:55:01 +0000

Via Steve Bodio.

Religious Ad Parody

JDZ — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 11:26:27 +0000

Amusing takeoff on those LDS and Scientology ads currently appearing all the time on network television.

Hat tip to John Brewer.

A Cthulhu Xmas

JDZ — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 18:58:34 +0000

Tired of those lame renditions of sacharine holiday songs blaring over the loudspeakers in every supermarket and mall? Jess Ruffner-Booth (who blogs about her own sighthounds at DemonPuppy), served up three Cthulhu carols to put one in a completely different kind of holiday spirit.

DEATH TO THE WORLD 2:05 video

Death to the world!

Cthulhu reigns.

The Great Old Ones Destroy

With wrath and doom, so cruel and foul,

Replete with obscene joy.

He rules the Earth with dreadful might,

And through our ghastly dreams

His twisting turning tentacles

Elicit from us maddened screams.

Cthulhu’s time has come.
—————————————————————————
IT’S THE MOST HORRIBLE TIME OF THE YEAR 1:20 video

With the nights getting longer,

The evil is stronger,

And there’s much to fear.

It’s the most horrible time of the year.

It’s the unhappiest season of all.

When your knuckles are whitening

From visions so frightening,

You must not recall:

It’s the unhappiest season of all.

Great Cthulhu is calling.

Insanity’s falling,

And cultists are roaming the land.

With darkness descending,

Our destiny’s bending

To forces we can’t understand.

It’s the most horrible time of the year.

There’ll be ritual killing

And omens fulfilling,

As Old Ones appear.

It’s the most horrible time of the year.

—————————————————————————

IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE FISHMEN 1:40 video

It’s beginning to look a lot like fishmen

Everywhere I go.

From the minute I got to town,

And started to look around,

I thought these ill-bred peoples’ gill-slits showed.

I’m beginning to hear a lot of fishmen

Right outside my door.

As I try to escape in fright

To the moonlit inns with night,

I can hear some more.

They speak with guttural croaks

And to hear them provokes

A profound desire to flee.

Their eyes never blink,

And quite frankly they stink

Like a carcass washed up from the sea.

I wish I’d paid attention

To that crazy drunken man.

He tried to warn me all about

Old Marsh’s deep born clan.

It’s beginning to look a lot like fishmen

Everywhere I go.

They can dynamite devil reef,

But that will bring no relief.

Yhanthlei is deeper than they know!

I’ll continue to see a lot of fishmen.

That I guarantee.

For the fishman I really fear,

Is the one who’s in the mirror,

And he looks like me.

He looks just like me!
—————————————————————————

And, when I looked, I found lots more:

I SAW MOMMY KISSING YOG SOTHOTH 1:19 video

AWAY IN A MADHOUSE 1:14 video

AWAKE YE SCARY GREAT OLD ONES 1:28 video

CAROL OF THE OLD ONES 1:11 video

I’M DREAMING OF A DEAD CITY 3:24 video

O COME ALL YE OLD ONES 1:36 video

MI-GO WE HAVE HEARD ON HIGH 1:16 video

FREDDIE THE RED-BRAINED MI-GO 1:25 video

HAVE YOURSELF A SCARY LITTLE SOLSTICE 2:30 video

THE CULTIST SONG 2:44 video

O CTHULHU 3:22 video

SILENT NIGHT, BLASPHEMOUS NIGHT 2:11 video

Not Xmas, but still, we have to link a few good ones from A Shoggoth on the Roof:

IF I WERE A DEEP ONE 4:34 video

BYAKHEE BYAKHEE 3:47 video

—————————————————————————

In case something slimier and more amorphous than Santa should come creeping down your chimney, you’ll want to be prepared with alternative-to-yourself refreshments.

BellyTimber offers a Cthulhu Xmas cookie recipe and templates(!).

Hat tip to Karen L. Myers.

Lovecraftianism, Not Darwinism

JDZ — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 16:19:01 +0000

The Onion reports from Arkham, Massachusetts:

Arguing that students should return to the fundamentals taught in the Pnakotic Manuscripts and the Necronomicon in order to develop the skills they need to be driven to the very edge of sanity, Arkham school board member Charles West continued to advance his pro-madness agenda at the district’s monthly meeting Tuesday.

“Fools!” said West, his clenched fist striking the lectern before him. “We must prepare today’s youth for a world whose terrors are etched upon ancient clay tablets recounting the fever-dreams of the other gods—not fill their heads with such trivia as math and English. Our graduates need to know about those who lie beneath the earth, waiting until the stars align so they can return to their rightful place as our masters and wage war against the Elder Things and the shoggoths!”

The controversial school board member reportedly interrupted a heated discussion about adding fresh fruit to school lunches in order to bring his motion to the table. With the aid of a flip chart, West laid out his six-point plan for increased madness, which included field trips to the medieval metaphysics department at Miskatonic University, instruction in the incantations of Yog-Sothoth, and a walkathon sponsored by local businesses to raise money for the freshman basketball program. “Our schools are orderly, sanitary places where students dwell in blissful ignorance of the chaos that awaits,” West said. “Should our facilities be repaired? No, they must be razed to the ground and rebuilt in the image of the Cyclopean dwellings of the Elder Gods, the very geometry of which will drive them to be possessed by visions of the realms beyond.”

West has served on the school board since 1997, when he defeated 89-year-old incumbent Doris Pesce by promising to enforce dress codes and refer repeat disciplinary cases to the three-lobed burning eye. He has run unopposed ever since.

“Charles sure likes to bang on that madness drum,” fellow school board member Danielle Kolker said. “I’m not totally sold on his plan to let gibbering, half-formed creatures dripping with ichor feed off the flesh and fear of our students. But he is always on time to help set up for our spaghetti suppers, and his bake sale goods are among the most popular.”

“I must admit, he’s very convincing,” Kolker added.

West’s previous failed proposals include requiring the high school band to perform the tuneless flute songs of the blind idiot god Azathoth and offering art students instruction in the carving of morbid and obscene fetishes from otherworldly media.

Several parents attending the meeting were not impressed by West’s outburst.

“Last month, he wanted us to change the high school’s motto from ‘Many Kinds of Excellence’ to ‘Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn,’” PTA member Cathy Perry said. “I asked if it was Latin, and he said that it was the eldritch tongue of Shub- Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young. I don’t know from eldritch tongues, but I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”

“We already changed the name of the school from Abraham Lincoln High to Nyalrothotep Academy,” Perry added. “What more does he want?”

Immediately before the vote on his motion, which was defeated eight to one, West gave his final remarks, arguing that the children are our future and that it’s the school board’s obligation to make sure they are fully versed in the unspeakable horrors still to come.