Matt Taibbi has the answer for how to watch election returns tonight.

No matter where you watch, coverage tonight should be packed with lunatic hyperbole, with warnings either about a blood-soaked New American Reich or a vast election-theft conspiracy, depending on which party succeeds. Of course the most likely end is the Beastie Boys No Sleep Till Brooklyn scenario, i.e. we don’t make it to an answer no matter how late we stay up, with panic continuing for weeks and people on all sides feeling more anxious and hating one another more as time progresses.

To which our answer is, Drink! But have fun doing it, at least tonight, perhaps according to these rules:

Drink EVERY TIME:

Anyone, from a candidate to a TV anchor, mentions that “democracy is on the ballot.” Double-shot for use of the phrase democracy itself, e,g, “democracy itself is on the ballot.”

You’re told this is the most important election of our lifetime, or the most critical moment of our lives, etc. You may drink an additional shot if you’re certain today is not any of those things.

Steve Kornacki draws a frenzied geometric shape around Pennsylvania.

John Fetterman’s shorts are visible in a video report.

Nate Silver reminds you he doesn’t do predictions, but rather publishes percentage-chance forecasts.

Liz Cheney is mentioned (i.e. as if mattering).

Elon Musk is blamed for something. Double-shot if the bad thing is “in the name of” or “under the guise of” free speech.

Anyone mentions “over a hundred election deniers on the ballot.” Also drink for permutations on the theme, e.g. “60% of Americans will have an election-denier on the ballot,” or “Over half of GOP candidates are election-deniers,” “election-denier JD Vance wants to ban books,” etc.

Anyone mentions the “specter of violence” or “conditions ripe for violence,” or reports votes are being counted “amid threats of violence.” Do an exclamation shot at the end of the night if no violence is ultimately observed.

A politician or a pundit warns that everything might come down to the “wild card” in Georgia, and with suspicious gleefulness reminds you we might all be waiting until December 6th to find out who’ll control the Senate. Call it the “No Sleep Till Georgia” rule. Read the rest of this entry »

Stephen Green is chickening out. He cannot face the hangover that playing would produce.