01 May 2010

National Enquirer Claims Proof Obama is Straight

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Vera Baker, alleged mistress of the president

The National Enquirer cannot write grammatically, but it has been correct before about the scandalous love lives of prominent democrats (like John Edwards), so its contention that Barack Obama at some unspecified date spent the night at Washington, D.C.’s Hotel George with his 2004 Senate campaign Finance Director may possibly be true.

I don’t understand why the president would be staying at a Washington hotel overnight. He does actually have a residence elsewhere in that city. But the Hotel George is trendy and advertises itself as an eco-friendly, “green” boutique hotel with “a progressive approach to the well-being of our guests and planet” and is certainly just the kind of place Barack Obama would patronize.

Proof of a hot black mistress must be a little disappointing, I expect, to anyone who bought in to the gay sex and drugs rumors that swirled around Barack Obama during the 2008 Presidential Campaign. (Those rumors came from a petty criminal named Larry Sinclair who was anything but a credible source.)

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If you were married to John Lithgow from The World According to Garp you’ld cheat too. Or is it Lawrence Taylor in drag?

I can’t wait to hear Obama lecture us all on what a good marriage “really” is as he broadcasts a faux apology. He will not be able to help himself. His ego will finally reach escape velocity from earth’s gravitational pull and we will have an acknowledged lunatic sitting in the White House muttering, “If we can put a man on the moon . . .” over and over.


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