Kurt Schlichter wrote the script enabling you to be That Obnoxious Conservative Uncle this Thanksgiving.
Welcome Him to Dinner: Extend a hearty greeting, like â€œGood to see you! Of course, when I was 25, I spent Thanksgiving in a fighting position eating reconstituted pork patties, but your part time Chore Monkey gig is pretty much the same. Come on in!â€
Be patient when he inquires whether you have anything â€œinfusedâ€ or â€œcurated,â€ and assure him that â€œOh yeah, I got something locally sourced for you right here.â€
Listen intently to his list of dietary restrictions, then helpfully explain that â€œYour vegan option is not eating.â€
Explain that you wonâ€™t let him say the blessing because â€œI donâ€™t want to hear an invocation to some weird goddess or any other blasphemous crap.â€
Ensure that your prayer concludes â€œAnd we thank you for our police and firefighters, and for all our veterans, and for our warriors fighting evil across the globe. May you protect them and grant them total victory over our enemies.â€
Donâ€™t forget to be inclusive! â€œOh, and letâ€™s not forget the Chore Monkey guys. Theyâ€™re heroes too in their own way, I guess.â€
Break the Ice: Show some interest in him and his lifestyle. Politely inquire whether the Chinese character tattoo peeking out from under his doofy scarf means â€œNever hire me.â€
Ask about his student loans, then do a calculation on your iPhone and tell him â€œLooks like you should have that all paid off by 2053!â€
Also, make him comfortable by dropping some Millennial-friendly colloquialisms. For example, you can explain that you understand President Trumpâ€™s empowering message to normal Americans living outside of the liberal big cities because you are â€œHella woke.â€
Finally, inquire into his romantic life, but donâ€™t pry. â€œNo date again this year? So, Iâ€™m guessing your vibe is less Tinder, more Grindr?â€
Give His Views the Respect They Deserve: Normally, when he tries to speak you would look at him and say â€œShhh. The men are talkingâ€ â€“ a â€œmanâ€ being someone who is both over 18 and not still living on mommyâ€™s futon in the basement.
But if you do decide to amuse yourself by letting him talk, be sure to respond to whatever he says with â€œIs that what they taught you in your gender studies seminar?â€ And if he insists that â€œHey, I was an engineering major!â€ respond â€œOh, what do you build? Safe spaces?â€ and start giggling.
Understand His Sensitive Feelings About The Election: Hillary Clintonâ€™s loss was a blow to many millennials, and he is likely to be emotionally fragile. Youâ€™ll want to ruthlessly exploit his pathetic weakness.
Always refer to â€œPresident Trumpâ€ and how he will â€œMake America great again.â€ Wear a MAGA hat to the table. Mention the â€œeight years of the Trump administrationâ€ and to what Justices Cruz and Willet will do to get the Supreme Court squared away again. Refer to Hillary as â€œPrisoner No. 59875779.â€
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