Gladly, if I could get beamed to my destination.

Seriously, does anyone at United understand economics? The easy solution to this whole issue is to have a pre-auction. Ask everyone to tell you how much money it would take to bump you from the flight (any answer between 10 cents and a million dollars). Then just pay as many people as you need to get the seats freed. Nobody can complain because they’ve already told you what it would take.