Harvard Magazine is their equivalent of the Yale Alumni Magazine. All the Ivy Alumni Mags are actually currently in cahoots and they run the same Personal Ads.
Mallory Ortberg has also noticed just how incredibly pretentious these Personal Ads can be.
Every time I visit Nicoleâ€™s house I get to read the personals section of Harvard Magazine, a feature that an anonymous Washington Post commenter called â€œvulgarâ€ in 1987. It is the highlight of my year, in no small part because every single advertiser feels like it is VERY URGENT to stress exactly how rich and thin they are. …
And the further you get into the weeds of the personals, the more frenzied the synonyms get, because everyone is concerned with making ABSOLUTELY SURE that you are picking up what they are putting down, but they are also (belatedly and barely) concerned about seeming judgmental or close-minded, so they try to speak in the worldâ€™s most breakable code.
â€œTrim widow â€“ fit, energetic, health-conscious, Grace-Kelly-like, sylvan, sylphlike, Hepburnesque (Audrey), could probably fit through two fence slats, svelte, as heavy as fifteen Vogues stacked together, could be cast as a tree nymph in a play about Greek mythology, Iâ€™m hiking right now actually, could fit into Julian Casablancasâ€™ from the Strokesâ€™ jeans circa 2002 â€“ seeks Harvard grad who has been on an airplane with a staircase and was allowed to climb that staircase, never has to wear the loaner jacket they keep behind the hostess podium at Per Se, has the same last name as someone from the 1600s, wouldnâ€™t look out of place if for some reason the Reagan Administration took over tomorrow due to a rift in the space-time continuum, has had reason to correct someoneâ€™s pronunciation of the word â€œveldt,â€ has completed at least two lecture tours outside of Continental Europe, can see the ocean right now from his office, has had bottles of wine opened with a sword for him more than three times, could be cast as a background character in an Agatha Christie adaptation without needing to make significant wardrobe alterations.â€
â€œYou: Could get up to use the business-class lavatory without being questioned by a flight attendant.â€
â€œTired of being on symphony committee boardsâ€
â€œYou: have been recently aghastâ€
â€œExcellent at dressage on a regular-sized horse but could easily compete riding a much smaller animal, like a sheep, if the situation called for itâ€
â€œYou enjoy long walks from cars to helicopters, or from helicopters to shipyardsâ€
â€œThe number of pages in my last prenuptial agreement were greater than my current bodyweight in imperial poundsâ€
â€œYou: Could easily hike to the elevation above sea level, in feet, that corresponds to your checking accountâ€™s daily limit.â€
â€œMe: finds the seats in first class are too wide and have taken to traveling with a life-sized porcelain doll to fill the spaceâ€
â€œhas strong opinions about rainscaldâ€
â€œYou: are often shown advertisements for Patek Philippe watches without having to go out of your way to see themâ€
â€œdonâ€™t have gout but could probably get it in a week if you wanted toâ€
â€œYou recently executive produced a documentary about berries or manatees or watershedsâ€
â€œYour grandfather: The number of research libraries that share his last name is greater than zero.â€
â€œrecently remodeled somethingâ€
â€œI could be cast as a proficient martial artist in a Joss Whedon franchise, if I were familiar with the work of Joss Whedon, which I am notâ€
â€œYou: Have never been inside of a Tommy Bahamasâ€
HT: Glenn Reynolds.