From esr at Armed and Dangerous:
Hi, Iâ€™m Joe Biden. Iâ€™m the perfect apparatchik â€“ no principles, no convictions, and no plan. Iâ€™m senile, and I have a problem with groping children. But vote for me anyway because orange man bad.
Hi, Iâ€™m Kamala Harris. My white ancestors owned slaves, but I use the melanin I got from my Indian ancestors to pretend to be black. My own father has publicly rebuked me for the pandering lies I tell. I fellated my way into politics; put me into the White house so I can suck even more!
Hi, Iâ€™m Elizabeth Warren. Even though Iâ€™m as white as library paste, I pretended to be an American Indian to get preferment. My research on medical bankruptcies was as fraudulent as the way I gamed the racial spoils system. So you should totally trust me when I say Iâ€™m â€œcapitalist to my bonesâ€!
Hi, Iâ€™m Bernie Sanders. I honeymooned in the Soviet Union. Iâ€™m an unreconstructed, hammer-and-sickle-worshiping Communist.
Hi, Iâ€™m Kirsten Gillibrand. I used to be what passes for a moderate among Democrats â€“ I even supported gun rights. Now Iâ€™ve swung hard left, and will let you just guess whether I ever had any issue convictions or it was just pandering all the way down. Tee-hee!
Hi, Iâ€™m Amy Klobuchar, and Iâ€™ve demonstrated my grasp on the leadership skills necessarily for the leader of the Free World by being notoriously abusive towards my staff.
Hi, Iâ€™m Robert Francis Oâ€™Rourke. Iâ€™m occupying the â€œimitate the Kennedyâ€ lane in this race, and my credentials for it include DUI and fleeing an accident scene. The rumors that Iâ€™m a furry are false; the rumors that Iâ€™m a dimwitted child of privilege are true. But vote for me anyway, crucial white-suburban-female demographic, because I have such a winning smile!
Hi, Iâ€™m Pete Buttigieg. I was such a failure as the mayor of South Bend that my own constituents criticize me for having entered this race, but the Acela Corridor press loves me because Iâ€™m fashionably gay. And how right they are; any candidate you choose is going to bugger you up the ass eventually, but Iâ€™ll do it like an expert!
Hi, Iâ€™m Bill de Blasio. Iâ€™m as Communist as Bernie, but I hide it better. And if Pete thinks his constituents donâ€™t want him in this race? Holdâ€¦myâ€¦beer!
Hi, Iâ€™m Cory Booker, and Iâ€™m totally not gay. OK, maybe Iâ€™m just a little gay. My city was a shithole when I was elected and Iâ€™ve done nothing to change that; Iâ€™m really just an empty suit with a plausible line of patter, especially the â€œI am Spartacusâ€ part. But you should totally vote for me because Iâ€™mâ€¦what was the phrase? Oh, yeah. â€œClean and articulate.â€
Hi, Iâ€™m Marianne Williamson. If elected, I will redecorate the White House so it has proper feng shui. I am the sanest and least pretentious person on this stage.