Kurt Schlichter has written Robert Mueller’s dismissal letter for Mr. Trump:
United States Department of Justice
Dear Mr. Mueller:
I write in my capacity as the President, and to you in your capacity as a subordinate executive branch officer.
[This is where the president clarifies who works for whom â€“ and whom the American people elected. Hint: It wasnâ€™t the Menschian Suddenly-Aware-That-Russia-Is-Bad Gang.]
You were appointed to investigate the baseless and politically motivated claims of collusion with Russia. While I am frustrated at the partisan innuendo and improper leaks, I respect this process. Yet these false claims have interfered with my administrationâ€™s ability to deliver on the promises I made to the tens of millions of Americans who voted for me last November.
[This is where the President makes clear that he will not let these bogus charges derail the policies the American people voted for. You establishment creeps want to go back to business as usual? Win an election. Your coup fantasies? Not happening.]
It is important for me to tell you and the American people, who will read this letter since I intend to make it public, that nothing here seeks to impugn your integrity. You served your country honorably as a Marine overseas and in various roles at home.
[Of course, Trump must tweet out this letter, and it must be distributed far and wide by the skillful and smooth Anthony Scaramucci so that voters can read it themselves and not have to rely on the CNN/NYT/MSNBC/WaPo Lie Machineâ€™s spin.]
But several troubling matters related to your investigation have arisen, so I am directing you to provide me a written explanation regarding the following matters no later than noon three days hence. I intend to release your response to the public, which must have full confidence in your investigation if it is to put to rest these baseless allegations.
[Shift the paradigm! Mr. President, this guy works for you. He owes you â€“ and the American people â€“ an explanation!]
1. 28 CFR 45.2 (â€Disqualification arising from personal or political relationshipâ€) bars participation in any investigation involving a personal friend. You are a long-time, close personal friend and mentor of James Comey. He is the source of allegations against me that leaks from your team that indicate that you are investigating. Please explain why you contend that 28 C.F.R. 45.2 does not apply to you based upon your close personal friendship with Mr. Comey. Please explain how your close friendship with this accuser will not undermine the American peopleâ€™s confidence in the impartiality and fairness of your investigation.
[I was just discussing with one of my very, very prominent lawyer buddies how this whole thing stinks and would never be tolerated in the normal legal world. Any American is going to understand that you donâ€™t appoint the pal of the â€œvictimâ€ to investigate the â€œcrime.â€]
2. Federal Election Commission filings show the political donations made by your staff, including donations of the maximum amount allowed by law, are overwhelmingly directed toward the Democratic Party. [Insert here a list of them and their Hillary payoffs so the people can see just how outrageous this really is.] Please explain why 28 C.F.R. 45.2 does not apply to your staff based on their demonstrated partisan preference for liberal Democrats who oppose my administration. Please explain how it happens that none of your staff appears to have primarily donated to Republicans â€“ nor any of them to my candidacy despite the fact about 45% of American voters voted for me.
[Seriously. What the hell? The American people need to hear loudly and clearly that Mueller is picking members of the Felonia von Pantsuit fraternity for his metastasizing mob â€“ and theyâ€™ll ask â€œWhy?â€ Mueller cannot give a good explanation because there isnâ€™t one.]
3. On June 14, 2017, the news media reported a leak from inside your investigation to the effect that I was personally the subject of an investigation for â€œobstruction of justice.â€ This leak was widely perceived as a bureaucratic maneuver designed to prevent me from exercising my prerogative under the Constitution of relieving you, a subordinate executive branch officer, of your duties. Recently, there were leaks about you unilaterally further expanding the probe beyond the bogus Russian collusion claims to my personal financial matters from a decade ago. Fairly or not, these shameful betrayals of your confidence by members of your team (assuming the media is accurate, which is questionable) portray you as using the kind of tactics that resulted in my mandate to â€œdrain the swamp.â€ And these endless leaks are especially troubling in light of Mr. Comeyâ€™s admission that he leaked information to manipulate the special counsel process, while hiding from the American people the fact that I was never under investigation for collusion with Russia.
[Time to remind people that Mueller is not leading a group of dedicated professionals pursuing the truth but a liberal agenda-driven, undisciplined band of Hillary hacks who are just another set of Washington insiders playing the same old political games.]
If these leaks are accurate, please explain the steps you are taking to identify who on your team violated your trust and the trust of the American people. If the leaks are not true, please unequivocally state that fact. Please also explain the steps you are taking to ensure that your staff will act professionally and with integrity in the future in order to regain the American peopleâ€™s confidence in the impartiality and fairness of your investigation.
[Boom. Put it back on Mr. Integrityâ„¢ to explain what he plans to do to restore some professionalism to the circle of jerks that is his team.]
This matter must be resolved quickly and completely, in a manner which all Americans see as absolutely impartial and fair. I am directing your public response to this letter both in fairness to you, because you deserve a chance to answer these concerns, and for the American people, who have questions that require answers.
[So you wanna play this out in the media? Okay. Except now you canâ€™t do it from in hiding using whispers and lies. Time to stand up and be held accountable instead of talking smack via cowardly gossip through friendly liberal media catamites.]
And the American people deserve those answers soon, because they deserve an executive branch that can devote its full efforts to the agenda the people voted for. I am confident you share my determination that this not become another endless, expensive, and ultimately meaningless exercise in Washington gamesmanship. Accordingly, unless additional time, not to exceed 30 days, is granted upon a showing of good cause, I direct you to present your written findings by October 31, 2017. At that point, your appointment as Special Counsel will expire and any remaining matters requiring further investigation will continue to be investigated via normal Department of Justice investigatory channels.
[Set a fuse and light it. This charade cannot go on endlessly, so donâ€™t let it.]
Donald J. Trump