Mallory Ortberg delivers another of her amusing Ayn Rand parodies. This time imagining what you’d get if Ayn Rand had written C.S. Lewis’s Narnia stories. Personally, I find them much improved.
If the witch understood the true meaning of sacrifice, she might have interpreted the Deep Magic differently, for when a willing victim who has committed no treachery, dies in a traitorâ€™s stead, the stone table will crack and even death itself will turn backwards.â€
â€œOh, how interesting,â€ Lucy said. â€œWhat is the true meaning of sacrifice, Aslan?â€
â€œIt is an artificial anti-concept,â€ Aslan said in his low, golden voice. â€œIt is the ultimate force of destruction. The very word self less suggests self-immolation, a complete annihilation of oneâ€™s own self for the sake of others. Sacrifice destroys knowledge, skill, talent, usefulness, all in the name of duty. It destroys love and self-esteem, which are the same thing. Self-sacrifice is an immoral nightmare.â€
â€œI donâ€™t quite understand,â€ Lucy said. â€œDoes this mean Edmund is going to die instead of you?â€
â€œLet us put it this way,â€ Aslan said. â€œIf I exchange a penny for a dollar, have I made a sacrifice?â€
â€œNo,â€ Lucy said.
â€œBut if I were to exchange a dollar for a penny instead,â€ Aslan said, sounding rather as if he had a locomotive in his throat, â€œwould I be making a sacrifice then?â€
â€œY-e-s,â€ Lucy said.
â€œAnd you understand why your brother is not the dollar, in this analogy,â€ he said.
â€œSo Edmund must die,â€ Lucy said triumphantly, â€œor else you would be betraying your own values!â€
â€œExactly,â€ Aslan said. â€œHave a penny.â€
Edmund burst into tears, like a Communist.
â€œOh, do be quiet,â€ Lucy said to Edmund. â€œI want to listen to Aslan explain his plans for a transcontinental railroad into Calormen again.â€
Read the whole thing.