Aryeh Cohen-Wade, in the New Yorker, imagines what The Donald would do to the best-known soliloquies.
Listenâ€”to be, not to be, this is a tough question, O.K.? Very tough. A lot of people come up to me and ask, â€œDonald, whatâ€™s more noble? Getting hit every day with the slings, the bows, the arrows, the sea of troublesâ€”or just giving up?â€ I mean, smart people, the best Ivy League schools.
But I say to them, â€œHave you ever thought that we donâ€™t knowâ€”we donâ€™t knowâ€”what dreams may come? Have you ever thought about that?â€ Ay yi yiâ€”thereâ€™s the rub! Thereâ€™s the rub right there. When we shuffle off this mortal whatever it isâ€”coil? They say to me, â€œDonald, youâ€™ve built this fantastic company, howâ€™d you do it? How?â€ And I say one word: â€œleadership.â€ Because thatâ€™s what itâ€™s all about, is leadership. And people are so grateful whenever I bring up this whole â€œperchance to dreamâ€ thing. So grateful.
And on and on with the whips and the scorns of time and the contumely and the fardels and the blah blah blah.
Then I see a bare bodkin and Iâ€™m likeâ€”a bodkin? What the hell is this thing, a bodkin? Listen, I run a very successful business, I employ thousands of people and Iâ€™m supposed to care whether this bodkin is bare or not? Sad!
And when people say I donâ€™t have a conscienceâ€”trust me, I have a conscience, and itâ€™s a very big conscience, O.K.? And the native hue of my resolution is not sicklied oâ€™er, thatâ€™s a lie! If anyone tells you that the native hue of my resolution is sicklied oâ€™er, theyâ€™re trying to sell you a load of you-know-what. And enterprises of great pithâ€”listen, my enterprises are so pithy. So pithy. Fantastic pith. But sometimes, hey, they lose the name of action, right? I mean, it happensâ€”it happens.
Read the whole thing.