McSweeney’s:

9. Guest Pilot
(hijacker)

“We have a guest pilot on board this morning, so we’ll be announcing our bonus destination shortly.”
10. Unscheduled Equipment Retirement
(crash)

“United regrets to announce that Flight 80 from Boston to Las Vegas experienced an unscheduled equipment retirement. As soon as our United crew reaches the flight’s bonus destination, we will announce how many passengers, if any, we will re-accommodate.”

WT