11 Jul 2017


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P.J. O’Rourke:

I was having dinner… in London… when eventually he got, as the Europeans always do, to the part about “Your country’s never been invaded.” And so I said, “Let me tell you who those bad guys are. They’re us. WE BE BAD. We’re the baddest-assed sons of bitches that ever jogged in Reeboks. We’re three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car wreck and descended from a stock market crash on our mother’s side. You take your Germany, France, and Spain, roll them all together and it wouldn’t give us room to park our cars. We’re the big boys, Jack, the original, giant, economy-sized, new and improved butt kickers of all time. When we snort coke in Houston, people lose their hats in Cap d’Antibes. And we’ve got an American Express card credit limit higher than your piss-ant metric numbers go. You say our country’s never been invaded? You’re right, little buddy. Because I’d like to see the needle-dicked foreigners who’d have the guts to try. We drink napalm to get our hearts started in the morning. A rape and a mugging is our way of saying ‘Cheerio.’ Hell can’t hold our sock-hops.

We walk taller, talk louder, spit further, fuck longer and buy more things than you know the names of. I’d rather be a junkie in a New York City jail than king, queen, and jack of all Europeans. We eat little countries like this for breakfast and shit them out before lunch.”

From Sarah Hoyt.

3 Feedbacks on "America"

Steve Gregg

A fine rant, but not quite true. The Brits invaded us in the War of 1812 and burned the Capitol and White House. Pancho Villa invaded New Mexico in 1916, killing ten civilians and eight soldiers in Columbus. The Japanese invaded Attu & Kiska in the Aleutian Chain of the Alaskan Territory during WWII.


That’s the weakest-assed example of “invasion” I’ve ever come across.

Ten whole people? You don’t say.

Dick the Butcher

If it wasn’t for us (capitalism and industrial might) in 1917 and 1942, them ball-less Brits. face-fornicating French girls and knuckle-dragging Russkies would be speaking German and kissing Hitler’s grandchildren’s hairy asses.

Yeah, the Brits invaded in 1812 and burned the White House. But, Fort McHenry held and Andy Jackson massacred the red-coated scum and their hairy-legged slave-girls in kilts before New Orleans. If you want to get your ass kicked in Dundee, give them that line of shit.


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