What women want, to judge from Fifty Shades of Grey, is not just people doing It. Many pages go by in this book without any of It getting done, although there is a great deal of thinking and talking about It. The thoughts are provided by the narrator and main character, Anastasia Steele, who is a twenty-one-year-old American woman as well as such a clueless, self-absorbed ninny that you, the reader, find yourself wishing that you still smoked so you would have a cigarette lighter handy and thus could set fire to certain pages, especially the ones where Anastasia is telling you about her â€œinner goddess.â€ This is a hyperactive imaginary beingâ€”I keep picturing Tinker Bellâ€”who reacts in a variety of ways to the many dramatic developments in Anastasiaâ€™s life, as we see in these actual quotes:
â€œMy inner goddess is swaying and writhing to some primal carnal rhythm.â€
â€œMy very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba.â€
â€œMy inner goddess is doing the Dance of Seven Veils.â€
â€œMy inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.â€
â€œMy inner goddess has stopped dancing and is staring, too, mouth open and drooling slightly.â€
â€œMy inner goddess jumps up and down, with cheerleading pom-poms, shouting â€˜Yesâ€™ at me.â€
â€œMy inner goddess is doing backflips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast.â€
â€œMy inner goddess pole-vaults over the fifteen-foot bar.â€
â€œMy inner goddess fist-pumps the air above her chaise longue.â€
Thatâ€™s right: Her inner goddess, in addition to dancing, cheerleading, pole vaulting, etc., apparently keeps furniture inside Anastasiaâ€™s head. Unfortunately, this means there is little room left for Anastasiaâ€™s brain, which, to judge from her thought process, is about the size of a walnut.
Read the whole thing.
Hat tip to the Barrister.