With Friends Like Gerard van der Leun…
Black Humor, Gerard van der Leun, Shaggy Dog Stories
Some years ago I was visiting an old friend in Florida. This pal (A large man who is actually â€œa sensitive little forest flower.â€) loves boats and boating and maintained two, count â€˜em, two homes in Florida set up for boating.
The first home was his main base in Ft. Lauderdale. It was a three-bedroom two-bath operation with a swimming pool, an office, and a long boat dock where he kept â€œthe big boat.â€
The second home was a smaller house set up on stilts down in the depths of the Florida Keys twenty miles above Key West with two bedrooms, one bath, and a boat dock on a canal where he kept â€œthe little boat.â€
Since he used the Keys only now and then throughout the year he decided to rent it out. In time he rented the house for a year to a well-vetted dependable man with good references. When I visited him that lease was up and he and I went to the Keys house to check it out. A day or so before we arrived my pal had a house cleaner go in and change all the bedding and spiff up the rest of the house.
When we got there I went into the guest bedroom to unpack my things into the chest of drawers. As I opened the bottom drawer I found the renter or one of his guests had left some underwear and t-shirts in the bottom drawer. Under them, the same person has left behind a large, realistic, and battery-powered dildo in a plastic bag with some suspicious smears on the inside. Moving the switch around inside the bag without touching the dildo I determined that the batteries were, to say the least, fresh. Like Elvisâ€™s King Creole that dildo was â€œjumpinâ€™ like a catfish on a pole.â€
Even though he is a manly man my pal is also a very sensitive little forest flower. The least hint of some sort of object that had spent party time somewhere inside a personâ€™s body fills him with shivering, visceral loathing. My pal took one look at my â€œdiscoveryâ€ and walked shivering into the kitchen. He returned with his hands in rubber gloves holding a pair of kitchen tongs.
He gingerly picked up the bag containing the dildo with the tongs and then, holding it as far away from himself as possible, walked down the stairs to the carport and dropped the offensive package into the garbage can. He then dropped the tongs into the garbage can. He then removed his rubber gloves, dropped them in the can, and then â€“ still shivering with loathing and muttering to himself â€” went back upstairs and took a long hot shower followed by an emergency cocktail. Like I said, â€œsensitive.â€
Because I was an old friend who understood and deeply respected his â€œdildo issues,â€ I promptly snuck down to the garbage cans, retrieved the dildo in the bag, switched it to off, and hid it in my luggage. …