Category Archive 'Black Humor'
05 Sep 2019

With Friends Like Gerard van der Leun…

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The Drawer Horror:

Some years ago I was visiting an old friend in Florida. This pal (A large man who is actually “a sensitive little forest flower.”) loves boats and boating and maintained two, count ‘em, two homes in Florida set up for boating.

The first home was his main base in Ft. Lauderdale. It was a three-bedroom two-bath operation with a swimming pool, an office, and a long boat dock where he kept “the big boat.”

The second home was a smaller house set up on stilts down in the depths of the Florida Keys twenty miles above Key West with two bedrooms, one bath, and a boat dock on a canal where he kept “the little boat.”

Since he used the Keys only now and then throughout the year he decided to rent it out. In time he rented the house for a year to a well-vetted dependable man with good references. When I visited him that lease was up and he and I went to the Keys house to check it out. A day or so before we arrived my pal had a house cleaner go in and change all the bedding and spiff up the rest of the house.

When we got there I went into the guest bedroom to unpack my things into the chest of drawers. As I opened the bottom drawer I found the renter or one of his guests had left some underwear and t-shirts in the bottom drawer. Under them, the same person has left behind a large, realistic, and battery-powered dildo in a plastic bag with some suspicious smears on the inside. Moving the switch around inside the bag without touching the dildo I determined that the batteries were, to say the least, fresh. Like Elvis’s King Creole that dildo was “jumpin’ like a catfish on a pole.”

Even though he is a manly man my pal is also a very sensitive little forest flower. The least hint of some sort of object that had spent party time somewhere inside a person’s body fills him with shivering, visceral loathing. My pal took one look at my “discovery” and walked shivering into the kitchen. He returned with his hands in rubber gloves holding a pair of kitchen tongs.

He gingerly picked up the bag containing the dildo with the tongs and then, holding it as far away from himself as possible, walked down the stairs to the carport and dropped the offensive package into the garbage can. He then dropped the tongs into the garbage can. He then removed his rubber gloves, dropped them in the can, and then – still shivering with loathing and muttering to himself — went back upstairs and took a long hot shower followed by an emergency cocktail. Like I said, “sensitive.”

Because I was an old friend who understood and deeply respected his “dildo issues,” I promptly snuck down to the garbage cans, retrieved the dildo in the bag, switched it to off, and hid it in my luggage. …

RTWT

29 Jun 2019

Mayor Vaughn: “Amity As You Know, Means Friendship.”

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29 May 2019

Posting of the Day

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Via Ed Driscoll:

OR AS KEITH RICHARDS CALLS IT, “BREAKFAST.” Man dies on flight after swallowing 246 cocaine packets.

02 May 2019

Email Humor

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I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, thinking about what I would do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for one of the few traffic lights to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.

An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Islamic extremists shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a “Remember 9-11” slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, “Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America” and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, “Man?…That could have been me!”

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

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I get these via email from Henry Bernatonis with whom I went to St. George Elementary School, served masses, and camped out with Boy Scout Troop 22 in Shenandoah, Pennsylvania many moons ago.

30 Jan 2019

“It Would Take a Heart of Stone Not to Laugh.” — John Hinderaker, Quoting Oscar Wilde

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Columbia Journalism Review managed a bit of anger between the sobs.

Last week was brutal for American journalism. By one estimate, BuzzFeed and media properties owned by Verizon and Gannett made plans to lay off more than 1,000 people between them, then got to work carrying them out. On Saturday, the president of the United States rubbed salt in the wound, tweeting that “Fake News and bad journalism have caused a big downturn.” As well as being wrong, the tweet was, as Ben Smith, BuzzFeed’s editor, replied, “a disgusting thing to say about dozens of American workers who just lost their jobs.”

The combined genius of Iowahawk and a Twitter contributor prevously unknown to me set a kind of new record for brilliance of response and spoke for all of us.

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via GIPHY

23 Jan 2019

Peter Bogdanovich Interviews the Great John Ford

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06 Jan 2019

This Tweet is Going Viral

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08 Dec 2018

It’s a Mystery

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“We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”

— W.H. Auden

30 Nov 2018

Werner Herzog Canned Goods

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21 Oct 2018

Things Happen

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16 Oct 2018

Pre-Columbian America According to the Left

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12 Oct 2018

A Politically-Incorrect Song

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HT: News Junkie.

Note: We Lithuanians have no stereotypes.

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