24 Mar 2006

29 Reasons America Sucks



1. If only our culture was as inferior as those of other countries, we could fly planes into their buildings.

2. We naively export globes with America on it, showing terrorists exactly where we live.

3. As long as we allow him to eat so many pies, Michael Moore will continue to hate crass consumption.

4. Not executing homosexuals or adulturers makes us a laughing stock in Islamic countries.

5. If we truly were a corrupt corporate pawn, we would have gotten oil for blood.

6. Our Christian leaders aren’t as intolerant as their Islamic counterparts, making stateside ridicule of religion seem cowardly.

7. Immigrants don’t believe we are racist. (Still, the least the maid could do is wear the Che Guevara shirt we bought her for Christmas.)

8. The relentless stress of tenure is causing scholars across the nation to crack under pressure.

9. Decent standards of living make it hard for young reporters to do those “My night as a homeless person” features.

10. Churchgoers continue to attend mass despite the added folk guitar.

11. We only “rule” over fifty states, making us appear as underachievers to the rest of the world.

12. Venezuela is just sitting there.

13. Americans are too generous. We let the French come here and wait our tables.

14. Winning the Cold War means George Clooney can tell us how meaningless the Cold War was.

15. Replacing a dictator with a democracy doesn’t sit well with my yoga instructor.

16. We need to reduce elections, so we can feel guilty about not voting less frequently.

17. By watching Fox News, you hurt Walter Cronkite’s feelings and exacerbate Norman Mailer’s dementia.

18. No large-scale rioting occured after the New Orleans disaster. There’s clearly not enough factional violence to undermine this whole melting pot thing.

19. Our constitution is simply too lenient and doesn’t allow for beheadings.

20. Abu Ghraib proves our military is totally okay with encouraging gay lifestyles.

21. Our army shows up early to everything, which is awkward.

22. Uniformly applied “right turn on red” traffic rule perpetuates a racist worldview instead a society that’s a beautiful cultural mosaic. Worse, faster traffic flow puts off the day when we all must return to sheep-drawn carriages.

23. Bereft activist Cindy Sheehan’s tears available for intravenous injection only to the very rich.

24. Alternative medicine relegated to crackpot status instead of funded by the state. This allows socialists like Deepak Chopra to rip off old ladies using free market principles.

25. Unending series of medical and pharmaceutical breakthroughs by private research undermines population control.

26. The death penalty raises the price of art created by recently deceased inmates, burdening hipsters like Johnny Depp.

27. We will probably solve global warming before anybody else, then use the solution to make more money.

28. Native Americans getting rich off casinos instead of staying dirt-poor does nothing to prove how bad colonialism was.

29. Democracy still an untested theory! 230 years not nearly long enough trial period to truly know if it’s safe for general use.


Hat tip to FrancoAlemán.


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