Category Archive 'Satire'
17 Sep 2019

2020 Campaign News

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31 Aug 2019

Joe Biden’s Reminiscences of the Siege of Barad-Dur

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Babylon Bee:

HANOVER, NH—At a New Hampshire campaign stop, presidential candidate Joe Biden claimed he was at Mount Doom 3,000 years ago when Isildur decided to take the Ring instead of destroying it.

“I was there,” he said, his voice trailing off as some long-forgotten memory flashed before his eyes. “I was there 3,000 years ago… when Isildur took the Ring. I was there the day the strength of men failed.” Biden said that “the time of white men is over” and that “the time for us to listen to minority voices instead has come,” though he was quick to clarify that he should still be the one to wield the Ring of Power.

RTWT

22 Aug 2019

What If the Sanest Democrat Were Nominated and Elected?

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Rob Long, at National Review, visualizes Marianne Williamson’s presidential inauguration.

OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT

LIVE CNN BROADCAST

Wednesday, January 20, 2021

Jake Tapper: . . . and we’re live now from Washington, D.C. As you can see, there are the steps of the Capitol, ready for the swearing in of the 46th president of the United States, dignitaries filing in, there’s Chief Justice John Roberts, along with Senate majority leader Cory Booker, and we’re joined by Jim Acosta, Jim, do we have any sense of what that coffee hour was like, when the outgoing president, Donald Trump, and Mrs. Trump hosted the incoming president-elect?

Jim Acosta: No, Jake, we really don’t know. It was always going to be a tense meeting, of course — the president as late as last night continuing to tweet angry messages to some of us in the media and some of his own staffers, who he has blamed for his surprising loss in November. And the president-elect reiterating her philosophy — which I guess we can now call official United States policy — that all anger will be answered with love —

Jake Tapper: Her psychic-energy policy, is that right?

Jim Acosta: Right. And that I think was the subject of their initial meeting — I see you are showing some of that tape from this morning now — we can see the president looking angry and tense — and now here President-elect Williamson is greeting him with a kiss and —

Jake Tapper: Do we know what she whispered in his ear just then?

Jim Acosta: We do not, Jake. Sources tell me that whatever it was, President Trump didn’t understand it.

Jake Tapper: I’m getting word that the president and president-elect are walking out for the swearing in. But to get back to whatever she whispered, Twitter is abuzz right now with the speculation — and right now it’s just that, speculation, I want to stress that — that whatever the president-elect whispered was in, and I’m quoting someone close to the Williamson camp, was in an ancient Druidic language. Any more information on that?

Jim Acosta: Well, as we’ve been reporting, the president-elect claims to have been erecting a psychic-energy cleansing shield since the morning after that surprising Election Night, and while we don’t know what form this kind of cleansing energy beam might take, it’s fair to assume that Druidic forms are —

Jake Tapper: Jim, I don’t mean to interrupt but we’re seeing a lot of the new Williamson cabinet officials and others take their seats. There’s the new FDA chief, magician David Copperfield, along with Secretary of Wellness — that’s the new term?

Jim Acosta: It is.

Jake Tapper: . . . Gwyneth Paltrow, and the steel box being carried by the Marine? That contains the frozen head of Walt Disney, am I correct?

Jim Acosta: Yes, and of course the frozen head of Walt Disney is going to face some serious opposition in upcoming Senate confirmation hearings, even from the president-elect’s own party, as I believe it is the first time — I may be wrong about this — but I believe it is the first time a frozen severed head has been nominated for the position of secretary of state.

Jake Tapper: We will confirm that, of course, but I think you may be right.

Jim Acosta: And just now being led in is Jasper, the Labrador retriever selected to be the next secretary of defense — excuse me, secretary of love —

Jake Tapper: It is a very loving breed, that’s for sure. Just, you know, all smiles and acceptance.

Jim Acosta: Sources close to Senate majority leader Cory Booker tell me that Jasper is expected to sail through his confirmation hearings. …

RTWT

13 Aug 2019

“Don’t Hurt Us, Hillary!”

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The staff at the Babylon Bee clearly wants to live.

Above all, we want to make sure Hillary does not question our loyalty to her and the whole Clinton family. We have nothing bad to say about her. Also, just to be clear, we have no dirt or inside information on her whatsoever and nothing would be gained by our untimely deaths.

So, Hillary, we love you! Please do not hurt us.

RTWT

10 Aug 2019

NYT Embarrassing Headline Scandale

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Chadwick Moore, in the Spectator, helps out the NYT by writing their apology to Times subscribers for them.

Dear Valued Subscriber,

For a mere $39.99 a month, about what you pay your Guatemalan nanny, you depend on us for thought-provoking personal reassurance, award-winning arrogance, hard-hitting sycophancy, and up-to-the-minute coverage of Orange Man – who is very, very bad.

The New York Times remains the world’s most prestigious Viewpoint Validation Service because we understand the crippling emptiness permeating the wealthy liberal soul – we are that emptiness – and you entrust us to make you feel good, smart and worthy every day.

While News and Opinion whisper watered-down postgrad nothings in your ear, Style and Dining guarantee you’ll be validated on the outside, as well as inside. Style and Dining remain committed to informing you on exactly what Brooklyn thought was cool three years ago. While the city that is our namesake – and the place you’ve built your entire identity around – might be a dead, stale cultural wasteland that no one cares about anymore, our Travel section reminds you that you’re a global citizen. Times subscribers don’t have homes, they have bases.

But even the pre-eminent VVS is vulnerable to mistakes.

As some of you are aware, we failed in our commitment to ferociously guard the sanctity of your echo chamber this week. A headline appeared on our front page suggesting Orange Man spoke against racism. While the headline was factual, it was a flagrant betrayal of the service you expect us to provide and we literally stopped the presses to fix it.

We listened to our readers on how to proceed from there. The headline writer was an elderly holdover from the days when we were a newspaper. But today’s lovepaper business is different. Inspired by the Texas revolutionary Joaquin Castro, our editorial board decided to take out a full page ad in our own paper to publish his home address and pictures of his family. Then we mobilized our 52,247 interns to brigade his employer, us, with phone calls to report that we have a racist in our ranks. The writer was immediately fired. Our interns, known as TimesHelpers, chucked milkshakes at him as he sadly strolled through the lobby with his little NPR tote bag full of desktop knick knacks. Just as he reached the door we unchained Sarah Jeong and watched gleefully as she dismembered and ate him alive.

Our customers’ pomposity and fragility are important to us. We don’t use words like ‘neurotic’ and ‘repellant’ to describe our readers the way shopkeepers, waiters, and dry-cleaners might. We think your quirkiness is the natural byproduct of the cosmopolitan, emotionally lavish life that you lead.

We know if we aren’t delivering our best, every hour of every day, somewhere a Yale grad might lose an argument if she can’t reference our content as the final authority. The Times subscriber understands that reading about something makes you a better person than doing something. You depend on us to be informed daily about the wretched lives of blacks and immigrants as a fair tradeoff for keeping them out of your own communities and schools.

Point of privilege, when tens of thousands of you threatened to cancel your subscription this week, we had a chuckle. You were never going to leave. Our authority is the only thing that gives you authority. And, besides, where else would you go, the Washington Post? That lovepaper is named after a slave owner. And it’s not like you’re going to subscribe to the Wall Street Nazi.

But we still listened to your grievances. Because of your diverse needs, on Monday we will launch the most intimate Viewpoint Validation Service on earth with TimesPersonal. Our new premium service will give platinum members the option to select how they’d like to see a story reported before they read it. Platinum members will be able to pick from options like, ‘Skip to the white nationalism,’ ‘What’s the real estate value,’ and ‘Trump’s fault.’ TimesPersonal comes with our new TimesTrauma feature that algorithmically eliminates potentially triggering content from your personal edition of the Times. Going forward, subscribers can log-in to our TimesRapeWhistle portal to flag content they feel may have been published without consent from the greater Times community.

We know that from the first day you picked up our product, you’ve seen us as not just a newspaper but a social status accelerant. We will never forget our commitment to selling our subscribers more than just words, but personal brand and identity. In these dark and divided times, where 63 million white supremacists use the internet to ridicule their moral superiors with things called ‘memes,’ we have an even more important calling: to protect your truth.

Sincerely,

Dean Baquet

Minister of Feels, The New York Times Viewpoint Validation Service

he/him

HT: Guy de la Boer.

04 Jul 2019

It’s the End of the Road for Mad Magazine

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Mad Magazine, 1952 – 2019.

Brooklyn Vegan has sad news.

Mad magazine, which has been bringing the world satire and snappy comebacks to stupid questions for 67 years, will largely stop publishing new content after its next issue which is due this fall. There will still be regular issues of Mad but will feature “classic, best of and nostalgic content” with a new cover. Publisher DC Comics says there will still be end-of-year specials “which will always be new.” In this new form, Mad will also only be available in comic book stores and to subscribers.

Founded in 1952, Mad began as a comic before switching to a magazine format in 1955.

It must be becoming impossible to produce a humor magazine based on satire when real everyday events so frequently are even more preposterous.

05 Jun 2019

Modern Art

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29 May 2019

After Robert Crumb

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30 Apr 2019

University Administration Titles

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Why will Yale cost $72,800 next year? Chief Answer: the proliferation of bureaucracy and administrative positions.

University title generator (find your next position here).

20 Apr 2019

He Embraces His White Guilt

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Jarvis Dupont in the Spectator:

As a child, I was horrifyingly oblivious to what it meant to be a white male. I ignorantly assumed that skin color should never be an issue. I went around treating everyone the same regardless of gender or race. I look back on those days now and cringe. Thank goodness I ‘woke up’ so to speak!

I was lucky to grow up on a moderately large 20,000-acre estate in a 23-bedroom Georgian house which had been in my family for at least six hundred years. For the first few years of my life, I was blissfully unaware of my standing within society. This glorious childhood utopia did not last long.

At the tender age of 12, I watched a film which put it all into perspective: Ratatouille. I remember the impact this movie had on me as if it were yesterday. My mind was awash with confusion. How could a rat control a cook?! Even if it were possible, how is it doing it? It’s simply holding his hair! What method of ungodly witchcraft is being employed here?! Then it hit me. This film was an allegory of slavery. There was no actual rat, it was brilliantly symbolizing white man’s need to dominate. The fact that the ‘rat’ is hidden underneath the chef’s hat cleverly illustrates how white society in America turned a blind eye to the way black people were being exploited. The ‘rat’ is a metaphor for the detached way in which white power was used to oppress African slaves, the ‘food’ it cooks represents the benefits white Americans have enjoyed as a result of this inhumane hierarchical structure. I was gobsmacked that a children’s movie could encapsulate a complex multi-layered issue in such a devastatingly simplistic way. …

I remember that first wave of White Guilt washing over me. It was like an epiphany. I bathed in it, swam in it. Immersed my disgustingly pallid complexion in it until I was spent. Looking back, I’m not ashamed to admit it was an almost erotic experience. From then on, I was transformed. I found myself telling people to ‘educate themselves’, and would begin conversations with ‘FYI’, or ‘Dear fellow white people…’. I was using the word ‘problematic’ at least three hundred times a day, and it was wonderfully cathartic. The first time I called Father a ‘bitch-ass white cracker skank’ was an incredibly liberating experience.

I demanded to be sent to a university for the lower-orders so that I could experience poverty first-hand. After a few heated arguments, Father acquiesced, so long as he could purchase a townhouse nearby for me to live in and set up regular allowance payments to my bank account via direct debit. I reluctantly agreed to all of this on the condition that my allowance would not exceed 5k per month.

I’ve taken surprisingly well to my self-inflicted destitution and university life has proven to be ideal for my new found woke lifestyle. Many of my student chums are also aware of their White Guilt, and we regularly meet up to admonish those who do not acknowledge theirs. Only last weekend we berated a white homeless man sitting outside Taco Bell for his appalling lack of self-awareness regarding not only his own privilege, but his flagrant disrespect towards cultural appropriation. Eventually he became so violently agitated the police came along and forcibly removed him and his filthy blanket from the pavement. Of course, if he were black the police would have shot him dead, so I hope he realized just how privileged he is.

Despite my early awokening, the opulence of my youth is something which still plagues me to this day. I see racial bias all around me. The amount of opportunities I have as a white male are staggering compared to those of a BAME. We need to do more, and I am determined that when I inherit my family’s estate, I will make damn sure I only employ people of color to maintain it.

RTWT

04 Apr 2019

Joe Biden Has a Problem

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21 Mar 2019

“Candidates Propose Changes To Fix Flaw In Constitution That Allows Republicans To Be Elected”

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Babylon Bee:

A number of Democrats have proposed changes to the structure of government that they think would help them win, such as lowering the voting age to 16, abolishing the Electoral College, packing the Supreme Court, and changing how Senate seats are allocated. Now, though, some of the Democratic presidential hopefuls are attacking the heart of the matter: what they call an “outdated Constitution” that sometimes “allows Republicans to be elected.”

“The election of Trump exposed a fundamental flaw in the Constitution,” Senator Elizabeth Warren said at a campaign rally. “Everyone said Hillary was supposed to win, but she didn’t. And we’re afraid that in the future, maybe Democrats won’t win again. We can’t allow that.”

Warren and numerous other Democrats have proposed an amendment to the Constitution that will state that only Democrats are allowed to win elections, a proposal they say will increase election “fairness.”

“When I think about someone other than a Democrat being elected,” said Senator Cory Booker, “it makes me so mad.” He then raised his fists and shook them, a gesture indicating he was mad. Candidate Beto O’Rourke also spoke out for the proposed amendment, though all he got out was, “It’s a great–” before skateboarding into a tree and quickly fleeing the scene of the incident.

RTWT

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