Category Archive 'Satire'
19 Jun 2020

“Defunded Police Department Forced to Sell Off Nuclear Submarine”

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Hard Times Net has the story:

KALISPELL, Mont. — The Kalispell Police Department was directed by city officials yesterday to sell its Seawolf-class nuclear attack submarine amidst nationwide protests to defund law enforcement, sorrowful sources confirmed.

“You really know the world is in a sad state when a bunch of antifa thugs and PC fascists can strong-arm hard-working, red-blooded citizens like myself out of our constitutional right to nuclear-powered police tactics,” said Kalispell Police Chief Doug Overman while tearfully folding an American flag. “My officers put their lives on the line every day, and this is the thanks they get? Without our beloved submarine ‘Ol’ Blasty,’ all we’ve got to keep this town safe are our six tanks, three Apache helicopters, a fleet of exploding jet skis, and that Bengal tiger we bought from the Nepalese government. I tell you, things in this town are gonna go straight to hell.”

City councilperson Michael Williamson explained the city’s decision to sell the department’s submarine.

“Look, I’m completely in favor of responsible policing, but with everything that’s been going on around the country, we really need to cover our asses,” said Williamson. “We only approved the submarine in the first place to show up those jerks in Missoula after they bought their police a giant steampunk tarantula, so selling the damn thing off just makes sense.”

RTWT

Personally, I subscribe to the old-time: “One Riot; one Pensylvania State Cop” school of policing.

18 Jun 2020

That Explains It

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10 Jun 2020

“Lego: Riot City”

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From America’s new journal of record, the Babylon Bee:

BILLUND, DENMARK—The world is hurting right now, and everyone knows that the only thing that can heal the wound is big corporations announcing their positions on things.

Well, we’ve taken a big step toward unity today as LEGO announced all building sets in the future would remove the police and replace them with rioters from groups such as Antifa. The new “LEGO Riot City” line of building bricks brings a real, police-less LEGO utopia right to your tabletop.

The new playsets are completely police-free, showing us what peace and harmony could break out in our own world without law enforcement officers. The interactive buildings feature windows you can really break with a well-placed LEGO brick and tiny, cute Molotov cocktails your minifigs can toss to set the town aflame.

“LEGO City will now be policed entirely by concerned Antifa members,” said a LEGO spokesperson. “It’s important to remind our kids how toxic the police are and how much better it would be without them. Also, kids love destroying things so this should be a huge seller.”

RTWT

28 Mar 2020

From Today’s Paper of Record

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27 Mar 2020

“Government Accidentally Shuts Itself Down With Ban On Non-Essential Businesses”

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Babylon Bee (the new paper of record):

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time.

But this shutdown mistakenly shut down the most non-essential entity of all: the government. For a brief period of time, all government in the United States was illegal, since it is completely non-essential to everything.

RTWT

Floreat Anarchia! Ewige Bumenkraft!

20 Mar 2020

Just in Time!

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13 Feb 2020

All Democrats Drop Out Of Presidential Race Since The World Is Ending From Climate Change And There’s No Point

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The new paper of record has the story:

U.S.—The recent U.N. conference on climate change and especially the words of 16-year-old activist Greta Thunberg have had a profound impact on the Democratic presidential candidates, so much so that they are now turning words into action and dropping out of the presidential race since they now think there’s no point to it.

“We’re all going to die, so why am I wasting my time on this?!” cried Cory Booker as he collapsed to his knees. “There’s nothing we can do!”

“Why am I fighting for abortion on demand at 39 weeks when we’re all going to die anyway?!” screamed Elizabeth Warren. “It’s all pointless! All my plans are pointless!”

“Here I was worrying about billionaires when it’s the sun that’s my enemy!” yelled Bernie Sanders as he shook his fist at the sun. “I should have taxed the sun!”

RTWT

06 Nov 2019

Ed Sullivan Introduces the 2020 Democrat Candidates

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04 Nov 2019

Stopping Crime With Sensible Gun Laws

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28 Oct 2019

WaPo”Austere Religious Scholar” Headline Universally Mocked

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The Washington Post’s take on the death of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi inspired so much ridicule that they changed the header.

Sarcastic parodies were everywhere yesterday. One of the best collections I found is here.

14 Oct 2019

Nike’s New Ad Campaign

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Predicted by Genesius Times.

13 Oct 2019

Third World Nation Needs American Assistance

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Don Surber alerts us to the human tragedy:

Last month, American missionaries went to clean up a village in a Third World nation. The volunteers picked up 50 tons of garbage in this backward land. Nowhere is the gap between the rich and the poor greater. The poor live in tents, while the rich reside in the most expensive houses in the world.

The poor face typhoid and other debilitating diseases that were eliminated in civilized nations. People poop in the street for lack of indoor plumbing.

Instead of meeting the basic sanitation needs of its cities, the corrupt, one-party government squanders billions on an unneeded high-speed train. It will never be built but contracts are awarded to political insiders for work that will never be done. Because of this corruption, President Donald John Trump wants to curtail U.S. aid to the land.

Elsewhere in this nation state, electricity is a luxury as the power has been cut off to hundreds of thousands of citizens in preparation for a natural disaster.

What is maddening is this land has the world’s fifth largest economy. It could easily take care of its needs without outsiders coming in to save them out of pity.

And sadly, the 50 tons of trash are small compared to the 22 million pounds of trash in one pile alone.

Something must be done to save this land from itself. Taking over this backward Third World nation would be easy. We already have troops stationed there. Its army consists of a national guard and police.

But that would mean spending trillions on another foray into nation building.

California sadly has very little hope.

RTWT

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