Category Archive 'Satire'
19 Oct 2022
Scott Alexander describes Every Bay Area House Party.
You walk in. The wall decorations vaguely suggest psychedelia. The music is pounding, head-splitting, amelodious. Everyone is struggling to speak over it. Everyone assumes everyone else likes it.
You flee to the room furthest from the music source. Three or four guys are sitting in a circle, talking. Two girls are standing by a weird lamp, drinks in hand. You see Bob.
“Hey, good to see you again!”
“Man, it’s been a crazy few months. You hear I quit my job at Google and founded a fintech startup?”
“No! What do you do?”
“Yeah. We pay out if there’s a war.”
“Isn’t that massively correlated risk?”
“Yeah. The idea is, we sell war insurance to companies who do badly if there’s a war – tourist attractions and the like. Then we sell the same amount of peace insurance to military contractors. As long as we get the probabilities and costs right, we make the same profit either way.”
“Neat idea, how’s it going?”
“Great! Ayatollah Khameini just bought a ten billion dollar policy.”
“Of the war version or the peace version?”
“Can’t say, confidentiality agreement.” Read the rest of this entry »
12 Sep 2022
LONDON — In his first official royal decree, King Charles has replaced Meghan and Harry in the line of succession with two of the late Queen’s corgis.
“Fluffy here shall immediately assume the title of Duke,” said Charles, presenting the corgi with a scepter. “There now! Who’s a good future King of England?”
The nation of England erupted into celebration upon hearing the news. “After the sadness of the past week, it feels good to have something to be happy about,” said citizen Gerald Funderburk. “The thought of the monarchy falling into the hands of Harry or Meghan, those blithering idiots…we can all rest a little easier tonight knowing the kingdom will be in good hands. Or paws.”
12 Aug 2022
The Babylon Bee details the 17 qualifications they’re looking for:
Must be a U.S. citizen
Minimum education: Bachelor of Science degree in Accounting
5 years of Krav Maga martial arts experience
Maintain a level of fitness necessary to perform a chokehold until a tax delinquent is subdued and/or dead …
Cheered for Agent Smith in The Matrix …
Passionate about auditing Etsy moms selling crafts just trying to make ends meet
Fluent in German, goose-stepping experience is a plus …
Previous waterboarding experience
Pass a psychological exam to determine if you sympathize with the government while watching Jason Bourne movies
Looking for the type that shoots first and does the math later …
And whom will they be going after? You, Mr. & Mrs. Small Business Owners.
A key provision in the Inflation Reduction Act — which throws an extra $80 billion to the IRS to improve the agency’s collection of under-reported income — will end up targeting small business owners to pay for the legislation, according to nonpartisan watchdog the Joint Committee on Taxation.
The group estimates that between 78% and 90% of the estimated additional $200 billion the IRS will collect will come from small businesses making less than $200,000 annually.
Just 4% to 9% would come from businesses making north of $500,000 a year — meaning the legislation is in sharp contrast to President Biden’s longstanding claim that he wouldn’t raise taxes on anyone making less than $400,000.
“The IRS will have to target small and medium businesses because they won’t fight back,” Joe Hinchman, executive vice president at National Taxpayers Union Foundation, told The Post. “We’ve seen this play out before … the IRS says ‘We’re going after the rich’ but when you’re trying to raise that much money, the rich can only get you so far.”
27 Nov 2021
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In a beloved San Fran tradition, stores across the city are holding their annual 100% off Black Friday sale today, offering shoppers the opportunity to come in, throw as much stuff in a bag as they can fit, and run out of the store.
“Come one, come all, and check out these amazing discounts!” said the manager of one San Francisco Walgreens. “You can get makeup, electronics, Takis, sunglasses, you name it—even prescription medications!”
One shopper said she just had to go check out the savings on designer handbags. “Yeah, I don’t really like going out in the crowds, but for 100% off, sure. I’ll throw on a ski mask and some gloves and grab as many Gucci purses as possible.”
16 Nov 2021
Babylon Bee: Prosecutor Proves How Deadly AR-15 Is By Accidentally Shooting 7 Jurors.