07 Jun 2006

Satire

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Scott Ott delivers another gem.

As news media reports of the potential murder of Iraqi civilians by U.S. troops continue to win the hearts and minds of the American people, al Qaeda today announced that it would launch its own probe to determine if some of its jihadists and martyrs “may have committed premeditated murder and even intentionally killed civilians.”

Usama bin Laden, Ayman al-Zawahiri and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi released a joint statement condemning violence against non-combatants and calling for “the immediate detention and speedy trial of any perpetrators of such crimes against Allah.”

In an attempt to quell the growing furor in the Arab world over reports of al Qaeda beheadings, bombings and abductions of civilians, Mr. bin Laden has dispatched a team of military crime scene investigators and attorneys to conduct a full investigation of all allegations against al Qaeda members.

“The accusations shocked us,” the statement said. “We must uphold our core values and military code of conduct, and 99.9 percent of our jihadists and martyrs do just that. But if anyone is found to have intentionally harmed innocent civilians, he will face Islamic justice.”

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