Mallory Ortberg imagines the result if Ayn Rand had written Alice in Wonderland.
If everybody minded their own business,†the Duchess said in a hoarse growl, “the world would go round a deal faster than it does.â€
“Which would not be an advantage,†said Alice, who felt very glad to get an opportunity of showing off a little of her knowledge. “Just think of what work it would make with the day and night! You see the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis–â€
“Talking of axes,†said the Duchess, “chop off her head!â€
“You have no right to do that,†Alice said calmly. “The removal of heads does not fall under the purview of government.â€
The Duchess gasped.
“A society that robs an individual of her head,†Alice continued, “or in any way attempts to limit the freedom of her head, is not, strictly speaking, a society, but a mob held together by institutionalized gang rule. You cannot promote the aristocracy of non-value at the expense of individual liberty.â€
The Duchess fell silent.
“I am going to build a railroad here,†Alice said. “There is nothing you can do to stop me.â€
“By the way,†Alice said as she turned to leave, “The appropriate posture of a worthy woman to a worthy man is hero-worship, not in chopping off his head. She never loses the awareness of her own sexual identity and theirs. A properly feminine woman does not treat men as if she were their pal, sister, mother—or leader. There will never be a woman president.â€
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