Mallory Ortberg imagines the result if Ayn Rand had written Alice in Wonderland.
If everybody minded their own business,â€ the Duchess said in a hoarse growl, â€œthe world would go round a deal faster than it does.â€
â€œWhich would not be an advantage,â€ said Alice, who felt very glad to get an opportunity of showing off a little of her knowledge. â€œJust think of what work it would make with the day and night! You see the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axisâ€“â€
â€œTalking of axes,â€ said the Duchess, â€œchop off her head!â€
â€œYou have no right to do that,â€ Alice said calmly. â€œThe removal of heads does not fall under the purview of government.â€
The Duchess gasped.
â€œA society that robs an individual of her head,â€ Alice continued, â€œor in any way attempts to limit the freedom of her head, is not, strictly speaking, a society, but a mob held together by institutionalized gang rule. You cannot promote the aristocracy of non-value at the expense of individual liberty.â€
The Duchess fell silent.
â€œI am going to build a railroad here,â€ Alice said. â€œThere is nothing you can do to stop me.â€
â€œBy the way,â€ Alice said as she turned to leave, â€œThe appropriate posture of a worthy woman to a worthy man is hero-worship, not in chopping off his head. She never loses the awareness of her own sexual identity and theirs. A properly feminine woman does not treat men as if she were their pal, sister, motherâ€”or leader. There will never be a woman president.â€
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