If Trump, instead of Lincoln, had given the Gettysburg Address (via Kevin M. Levin):
It was a long time ago â€“ I donâ€™t think anyone can even remember, but I can remember, I have a great memory, Iâ€™ve got the best memory ever. These guys, they made the most special thing, really, really special. Where everyone was free and everything was great, just the way Iâ€™ve made America, I really, really mean that.
Now weâ€™ve got these people â€“ I donâ€™t like these people, let me tell you, theyâ€™re really awful, they said, â€œHey Trump, youâ€™ve got small hands,â€ and so I went after them, I really did, I sued them, and what did they do? They decided they wanted a fight and I said, â€œOkay, weâ€™ll see whoâ€™s still here in a few years,â€ and see, weâ€™re still here, on this battlefield. Itâ€™s a yuge battlefield, and itâ€™s really, really, great, itâ€™s so special. See, weâ€™ve built this cemetery, so how big it is? Itâ€™s so special. And these guys â€“ weâ€™ve got the best guys â€“ they tell me, â€œHey Donald, give us someone who can lead us and weâ€™ll beat these rebels,â€ and so I made things happen â€“ itâ€™s what I do â€“ and boom, look, weâ€™ve got this big, big win. These guys died winning, and Iâ€™m sure that makes their families just so, so happy, all this winning. Itâ€™s really great that we can be here to make this place special because of all the winning they did.
But really, we canâ€™t make this place any more special than they did by winning so hard, unless itâ€™s to build a brand new Trump Towers â€“ Gettysburg â€“ thatâ€™s right ladies and gentlemen, thatâ€™s right, right here, right where youâ€™re standing, weâ€™re going to build this yuge tower, and oh my goodness, it will be so special, so big. Youâ€™ll just get sick from how big it is. You say to yourself, â€œHey, I wonder if anyone will remember this place.â€ And now you donâ€™t have to wonder anymore because youâ€™ll be able to see it from miles and miles away, thatâ€™s how yuge it will be. Weâ€™ll make those rebels remember this place where they lost, where they became losers. I really hate losers. I hate them so much that weâ€™re going to keep on winning, just to show them how much of losers they really are, thatâ€™s what weâ€™re going to do. What these guys did â€“ and theyâ€™re just the best, so special â€“ well, weâ€™re going to make sure that what they won for is going to be kept alive forever. Know what Iâ€™m going to do? Iâ€™m going to build a wall, a yuge wall, really, really yuge, all along the Mason-Dixon Line, and know what? Iâ€™m gonna make Jeff Davis pay for it, I really am. That guyâ€™s such a loser, itâ€™s why I hate him so much, and I think itâ€™s what the guys that won here would really want. Iâ€™m just going to keep this great country really great, and yuge, just like me. Weâ€™re going to keep winning until weâ€™re so tired of winning that youâ€™ll have to thank me for making everything so great. My government is going to be around for a while, so get used to that winning.
Oh hey, look, weâ€™ve got someone yelling about issues over there. Whatâ€™s that? Slavery? Throw that guy outta here, get him out, this is about winning, and heâ€™s a loser.