Sonny Bunch preps you for the inevitable Thanksgiving political arguments with your reactionary uncle.
The Jedi Are a Racist Space Aristocracy
Everyone watches the original trilogy and thinks “Hey, wow, this â€˜Jedi’ thing is pretty cool. I can train to control the force and become a knight and help maintain order throughout the galaxy? Awesome!” As we learn in the prequels, though, this is not at all how it works: only those who are born with a certain genetic defect can control the force and this defect is hereditary, meaning the Jedi order is inherently dynastic and anti-meritocratic in nature. Speaking of people who lorded their genetic makeup over othersâ€¦
Rebellion Celebrations Are Literally Naziesque
As I’ve noted elsewhere, George Lucas modeled the celebration at the end of A New Hopeâ€”where the non-white, non-human Chewbacca is denied a medal as a sea of pasty faces look onâ€”on shots cribbed from Leni Riefenstahl’s work. I don’t want to go all Godwin on you, but even your drunk, backwards uncle doesn’t support Hitler, does he?
Colonialist Rebels Exploited Innocent Ewoks
So dig this my dudes: On the forest moon of Endor, the Empire was able to build a shield generator without really bothering the indigenous life forms. They coexisted in harmony, Empire and Ewok alike engaging in a live and let live philosophy. And then the Rebels show up, convince the Ewoks that C-3PO’s some sort of god, and enlist them in a holy war against the Empire! Not only that, they send their newfound teddy bear allies into battle armed with naught by sticks and stones against a garrison that is armed with lasers and AT-STs! AYFKM with this, man? Luke Skywalker is basically a latter-day Hernan Cortes. And, as we know, the conquistadors were history’s greatest monsters.
The Destruction of Alderaan Was Completely Justified
The only trump card that Republican apologists have left to play, at this point, is the notion that the destruction of Alderaan was some sort of horrible war crime. For a variety of reasons, this is ridiculous. However, all you really need to do is say this: “Grand Moff Tarkin was no worse than noted haberdasher and Democratic President Harry S. Truman.” Sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to maintain the peace, you know?
Ted Cruz Supports the Rebels
So there you are, a hip young millennial trying to explain why your bigoted, backwards uncle has it all wrong. Here’s YOUR trump: “You know who else supports the rebellion? That dope from Texas TED CRUZ.” You don’t even have to explain why this so obviously proves your pointâ€”it’s not your job to enact that labor, after allâ€”because every non-backwards person at the table will recognize how smart you are and will call on your ignorant relative to just be quiet.
Check. And. Mate. Your Salon Dot Com internship is waiting, young sith.