05 Feb 2021

Applicant’s Guide to Ethos of American Colleges

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Steve Smith at McSweeney’s has a go at briefly capturing the typical student character and personality.

Harvard: I would shiv someone to answer a question in class.

Yale: I wrote a Pulitzer-nominated play about the time I shivved someone to answer a question in class.

Princeton: I’ve structured a derivative, the Shiv Swap, whose price reflects the probability that a given shivving is successful in allowing one to answer a question in class.

Brown: We must ensure equal distribution of shivs across all socio-economic strata of American society.

Cornell: GO BIG RED. …

RTWT

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Lee Also

Michigan: “I’m majoring in one of the country’s often-overlooked but overall best value-for-money programs in Shivving Studies. Also, f*** OSU.”

The first sentence makes no sense. The writer clearly knows very little about U of M except that it is considered “smarter” than Ohio State, and they hate Ohio State.

As a Michigan alumna, something like the following is more, uh, accurate-ish: “I pay twice as much sad I should to major in Shivving Studies at a university that thinks it’s private. Also f*** OSU. And Notre Dame.”



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