Category Archive 'Black Humor'
08 Feb 2018

Cursed Instapot FAQ

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McSweeney’s:

Congratulations on the purchase of your new cursed Instant Pot multi-use programmable Pressure Cooker. Instant Pot is the #1 selling 7-in-1 multi-cooker that reduces cooking times up to 70% by summoning the horrible black magical powers of Baphomet, the Sabbatic Goat God. Your cursed Instant Pot will change the way you cook kitchen staples like soups, stews, meats, rice, potatoes, hard boiled eggs and so much more!

Before you get started here are some Frequently Asked Questions.

What is the Instant Pot?
The Instant Pot is a smart Electric Pressure Cooker that lets you spend less time in the kitchen and more time with your family.

It functions as a pressure cooker, slow cooker, rice cooker, yogurt maker, sauté/searing pan, steamer and warming pot all in one convenient appliance!

How does my cursed Instant Pot cook food so quickly?
The cursed Instant Pot uses a high-pressure cooking chamber, advanced microprocessor technology and the black magic of an ancient pagan deity, Baphomet, our unholy dark lord and savior, to reduce cooking times and energy usage by up to 70%.

Developed by top food scientists, engineers, and necromancers, the Instant Pot uses cutting-edge, lab-tested algorithms to control cooking pressure and temperature while keeping the revolting powers of an atavistic goat-god safely trapped within a shard of shimmering jet black obsidian.

What can I make with my cursed Instant Pot?
Your cursed Instant Pot is perfect for slow-braised meats and stews, cooking rice, steaming vegetables and even making yogurt!

Does my cursed Instant Pot mock God?
Yes. Summoning the powers of a profane occultist nightmare to save time in the kitchen is an abomination and an affront to God.

If this concerns you, please consider one of the many non-cursed Instant Pots available on our website.

I added ingredients to my cursed Instant Pot and they disappeared forever into a cold and infinite swirling abyss. Is this normal?
Make sure the stainless steel Inner Pot is set firmly inside the Cooker Base and making contact with the heating element. When positioned properly the Inner Pot should prevent ingredients from falling into an endless expanse of pain and suffering.

When I open my cursed Instant Pot I hear a chorus of distant screams.
Due to our unique manufacturing process and uneasy accord with a heathen idol, you may occasionally hear the tortured and infinite wails of the damned emanating from within your cursed Instant Pot. If the screams become too frequent or anguished, try recalibrating by holding down the KEEP WARM and TIMER buttons for 5 seconds.

RTWT

29 Jan 2018

Ikea Founder Ingvar Kamprad Dead at 91

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John Terrell: “Good luck putting his casket together.”

BBC story

28 Jan 2018

The Real End of Timothy Treadwell

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The Onion:

LOS ANGELES—Shedding new light on the tragic ending to his critically acclaimed portrait of the animal activist, filmmaker Werner Herzog told reporters Wednesday that he killed and ate Timothy Treadwell in 2003. “I should finally say that during the filming of my documentary Grizzly Man, I mauled Timothy Treadwell to death and then devoured his remains,” said Herzog, admitting after 15 years that it was in fact he and not the grizzly bears of Katmai National Park who sunk his teeth into Treadwell’s neck, ripped out his jugular, and feasted on his organs. “Timothy and his girlfriend Amie Huguenard were setting up camp by a salmon stream when I approached them, aggressively batted them around, and then tore them limb-from-limb while they screamed. His judgment was perhaps clouded by his optimistic view of nature, which, in the end, sadly led to me picking his bones clean.” Herzog went on to say that the most tragic part of the story was that, after years of integration, Treadwell felt he had finally gained his trust.

24 Jan 2018

“Stay Thirsty, My Leftist Friends”

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13 Dec 2017

Rejection Letter

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10 Dec 2017

Before The Cops Made Them Take It Down

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30 Nov 2017

Cat Stuck in a Tree? Here’s the Russian Way of Dealing With the Situation

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2:09 video

22 Nov 2017

Behind You

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14 Oct 2017

I’m Planning to Be Absent

08 Sep 2017

Gorey Redivivus

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31 May 2017

It’s Their Bakery

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The Hard Times Net:

OKLAHOMA CITY — The owner of a local goth bakery refused to bake a wedding cake for an “unbearably happy” couple last week, sparking a swift and immediate backlash, according to multiple reports.

RTWT

29 Apr 2017

“Death Sails!”

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20 Apr 2017

Bad Idea

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14 Apr 2017

Gordon Ramsay Critiques Fan’s Food on Twitter

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