Who but Ann Althouse could deliver two in a row like this?
The story of a boy and his scorpion.
Fireproof human skulls for your gas fireplace, barbeque or fire-pit! via Boing Boing.
Hat tip to Jim Harberson.
Texas families don’t mince words. This outspoken obituary made international news.
Leslie Ray “Popeye” Charping was born in Galveston on November 20, 1942 and passed away January 30, 2017, which was 29 years longer than expected and much longer than he deserved. Leslie battled with cancer in his latter years and lost his battle, ultimately due to being the horses ass he was known for. He leaves behind 2 relieved children; a son and daughter, along with six grandchildren and countless other victims including an ex wife, relatives, friends, neighbors, doctors, nurses and random strangers.
At a young age, Leslie quickly became a model example of bad parenting combined with mental illness and a complete commitment to drinking, drugs, womanizing and being generally offensive. Leslie enlisted to serve in the Navy, but not so much in a brave & patriotic way but more as part of a plea deal to escape sentencing on criminal charges. While enlisted, Leslie was the Navy boxing champion and went on to sufficiently embarrass his family and country by spending the remainder of his service in the Balboa Mental Health Hospital receiving much needed mental healthcare services.
Leslie was surprisingly intelligent, however he lacked ambition and motivation to do anything more than being reckless, wasteful, squandering the family savings and fantasizing about get rich quick schemes. Leslie’s hobbies included being abusive to his family, expediting trips to heaven for the beloved family pets and fishing, which he was less skilled with than the previously mentioned. Leslie’s life served no other obvious purpose, he did not contribute to society or serve his community and he possessed no redeeming qualities besides quick whited sarcasm which was amusing during his sober days.
With Leslie’s passing he will be missed only for what he never did; being a loving husband, father and good friend. No services will be held, there will be no prayers for eternal peace and no apologizes to the family he tortured. Leslie’s remains will be cremated and kept in the barn until “Ray”, the family donkey’s wood shavings run out. Leslie’s passing proves that evil does in fact die and hopefully marks a time of healing and safety for all.
Reminds me of me, except I’m a really good fisherman.
Hat tip to Vanderleun.
Just days after retired Marine Gen. James Mattis was officially tapped as Trump’s nomination for defense secretary, he vowed to reporters that if approved by Congress he would “make killing great again.”
“The first time we blow an enemy nation completely off the map will not be an insignificant event,” Mattis said. “The survivors of the globe will write about what we do for the next 10,000 years.”
There has been unprecedented bipartisan support for “Mad Dog” Mattis’ nomination, as many lawmakers are fearful of receiving a vigorous ass kicking from the retired Marine general.
“He testified on Capitol Hill once, pushed me on the ground, and then took my lunch money,” said Democratic Rep. Tammy Duckworth of Illinois. “I’m all about him being SecDef if he stops calling me girl’s names.”
Meanwhile, Pentagon brass are scrambling to figure out how they are going to brief the incoming Defense Secretary without PowerPoint.
“I once gave a short but exciting PowerPoint brief to General Mattis,” said a Marine officer who wished to remain anonymous. “I was on light duty for three weeks after that.”
Confident in his approval by Congress, Mattis has already ordered all military maps to be changed from having a label of “Middle East” to “Free Parking.”
At press time, Rep. Seth Moulton (D-Mass.), a former Marine officer, was seen pleading — with tears in his eyes — that Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-N.Y.) not try and cross Mattis, for fear he’ll kill them all.
Duffleblog (the military humor site):
Millions of members of the U.S. military are frantically Googling where the Secretary of Defense sits in the line of succession to President of the United States, sources confirmed today.
The more than two million Google searches for terms such as “where is SecDef in succession order” and “can SecDef be promoted to president” came just hours after it was learned that retired Marine Gen. James Mattis would be named to lead the Department of Defense.
Mattis, 66, has been tapped by President-elect Donald Trump to head the department, which has been plagued by low morale and expensive cluster-fuck weapons systems, such as the F-35. He’s expected to easily boost morale, but attempting to fix DoD bureaucracy may be beyond even Mattis’ abilities.
When asked how Pentagon procurement could be fixed, for example, even God declined to answer. Instead, the Almighty referred all further questions to Lockheed Martin, Boeing, and General Dynamics.
If confirmed, Mattis would need to simultaneously take out the Treasury Secretary, Secretary of State, President pro tempore of the Senate, the Speaker of the House, the Vice President, and the President, in order to assume the highest office in the land.
According to sources, he already has a plan to do just that, which he wrote in 2003. He later stashed the plan in the drawer of his nightstand, on which his concubine places a breakfast shake mix of Jack Daniels and Creatine each morning. A person familiar with the plan said that Mattis mostly uses his bare hands, though he often carries multiple guns, knives, and sharp sticks on his person.
Experts say that Mattis dropping six people who have no military training would be a “walk in the park,” compared to his usual average of 12 kills per day. They went on to say that Mattis exterminating a bunch of tubby civilians would be roughly equivalent to him taking a bath or making toast, in terms of difficulty.