Once We’ve Eliminated Fossil Fuels…
Black Humor, Enviromentalism, Greta Thornberg, Petroleum
One crisp winter morning in Sweden, a cute little girl named Greta woke up to a perfect world, one where there were no petroleum products ruining the earth. She tossed aside her cotton sheet and wool blanket and stepped out onto a dirt floor covered with willow bark that had been pulverized with rocks. â€œWhatâ€™s this?â€ she asked.
â€œPulverized willow bark,â€ replied her fairy godmother.
â€œWhat happened to the carpet?â€ she asked.
â€œThe carpet was nylon, which is made from butadiene and hydrogen cyanide, both made from petroleum,â€ came the response.
Greta smiled, acknowledging that adjustments are necessary to save the planet, and moved to the sink to brush her teeth where instead of a toothbrush, she found a willow, mangled on one end to expose wood fibre bristles.
â€œYour old toothbrush?â€ noted her godmother, â€œAlso nylon.â€
â€œWhereâ€™s the water?â€ asked Greta.
â€œDown the road in the canal,â€ replied her godmother, â€˜Just make sure you avoid water with cholera in itâ€
â€œWhyâ€™s there no running water?â€ Greta asked, becoming a little peevish.
â€œWell,â€ said her godmother, who happened to teach engineering at MIT, â€œWhere do we begin?â€ There followed a long monologue about how sink valves need elastomer seats and how copper pipes contain copper, which has to be mined and how itâ€™s impossible to make all-electric earth-moving equipment with no gear lubrication or tires and how ore has to be smelted to a make metal, and thatâ€™s tough to do with only electricity as a source of heat, and even if you use only electricity, the wires need insulation, which is petroleum-based, and though most of Swedenâ€™s energy is produced in an environmentally friendly way because of hydro and nuclear, if you do a mass and energy balance around the whole system, you still need lots of petroleum products like lubricants and nylon and rubber for tires and asphalt for filling potholes and wax and iPhone plastic and elastic to hold your underwear up while operating a copper smelting furnace and . . .
â€œWhatâ€™s for breakfast?â€ interjected Greta, whose head was hurting.
“Fresh, range-fed chicken eggs,â€ replied her godmother. â€œRaw.â€
â€œHow so, raw?â€ inquired Greta.
â€œWell, . . .â€ And once again, Greta was told about the need for petroleum products like transformer oil and scores of petroleum products essential for producing metals for frying pans and in the end was educated about how you canâ€™t have a petroleum-free world and then cook eggs. Unless you rip your front fence up and start a fire and carefully cook your egg in an orange peel like you do in Boy Scouts. Not that you can find oranges in Sweden anymore.
â€œBut I want poached eggs like my Aunt Tilda makes,â€ lamented Greta.
â€œTilda died this morning,â€ the godmother explained. â€œBacterial pneumonia.â€
â€œWhat?!â€ interjected Greta. â€œNo one dies of bacterial pneumonia! We have penicillin.â€
â€œNot anymore,â€ explained godmother â€œThe production of penicillin requires chemical extraction using isobutyl acetate, which, if you know your organic chemistry, is petroleum-based. Lots of people are dying, which is problematic because thereâ€™s not any easy way of disposing of the bodies since backhoes need hydraulic oil and crematoriums canâ€™t really burn many bodies using as fuel Swedish fences and furniture, which are rapidly disappearing – being used on the black market for roasting eggs and staying warm.â€
This represents only a fraction of Gretaâ€™s day, a day without microphones to exclaim into and a day without much food, and a day without carbon-fibre boats to sail in, but a day that will save the planet.
Tune in tomorrow when Greta needs a root canal and learns how Novocain is synthesized.