Duffleblog: Admin Error Sends Bradley Manning to Death Row, Nidal Hasan to Gender Reassignment Surgery.

FT LEAVENWORTH, KS — An administrative error has been blamed for a mix-up in sentencing involving the cases of convicted Fort Hood shooter Maj. Nidal Hasan and Bradley Manning, the Army private convicted of leaking classified documents to the website WikiLeaks.

After sentencing concluded last Wednesday in Fort Hood, Texas, it was reported Hasan would undergo gender reassignment surgery and change his name from Nidal to Nahid Hasan. Nahid is an Arabic name meaning “one with full, round breasts.”

Not long after it was revealed, the traitor formerly known as Chelsea had been transferred to death row where he awaits execution by lethal injection.

Leavenworth officials announced that both gender reassignment and execution have been approved by fiscal offices. Due to end of fiscal year funding constraints, changing these allocations will be too costly in the final quarter.

Sequestration and work furloughs were also cited as possible contributors to the errors, which are now fiscally and administratively impossible to correct. Administrative offices in Leavenworth were unavailable for comment due to a “training holiday.”

Hasan, who had declined to speak on his own behalf previously, is reportedly now quite vocal concerning this turn of events.

“This is egregious,” the former Army psychiatrist said of the mix up. “I’m supposed to get 72 virgins, not turn into one. My mullah screwed me!”

At press time, Manning was unavailable for comment, throwing a hissy fit in his cell. This despite fellow inmates having assured him they would still call him girls names.

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The Onion

Hat tip to Tom Weil.

Medium.com:

After more than three years as a fugitive, Edward Snowden is now in CIA custody, an Agency press release states. Sources inside the Agency claim that Snowden was captured in the early hours of the morning while walking the streets of Moscow’s Arbat District, where he was ambushed by an extraordinary rendition team illegally operating on Russian soil.

According to Agency sources, who wish to remain unnamed, Snowden was lured out in the middle of the night by a Very Rare Pokemon placed just a few hundred feet from where American intelligence agents suspected him to be staying. Earlier this week, communications operations against Snowden had revealed him to be an avid player of the social smartphone game Pokemon Go, which encourages players to physically travel to various locations around them in order to retrieve in-game rewards and battle with Pokemons and other players.

The Pokeball containing Snowden is now believed to be undergoing secure transport to the Black Pokemon Center in an undisclosed location for entirely legal and pleasant interrogation procedures. Extraordinary precautions will be necessary to ensure that Snowden and Chelsea Manning, also being held at the Center, do not battle, as the Agency wishes to prevent any further evolution.

Hat tip to Karen L. Myers.