Category Archive 'Satire'
10 Jun 2020
From America’s new journal of record, the Babylon Bee:
BILLUND, DENMARKâ€”The world is hurting right now, and everyone knows that the only thing that can heal the wound is big corporations announcing their positions on things.
Well, we’ve taken a big step toward unity today as LEGO announced all building sets in the future would remove the police and replace them with rioters from groups such as Antifa. The new “LEGO Riot City” line of building bricks brings a real, police-less LEGO utopia right to your tabletop.
The new playsets are completely police-free, showing us what peace and harmony could break out in our own world without law enforcement officers. The interactive buildings feature windows you can really break with a well-placed LEGO brick and tiny, cute Molotov cocktails your minifigs can toss to set the town aflame.
“LEGO City will now be policed entirely by concerned Antifa members,” said a LEGO spokesperson. “It’s important to remind our kids how toxic the police are and how much better it would be without them. Also, kids love destroying things so this should be a huge seller.”
27 Mar 2020
Babylon Bee (the new paper of record):
WASHINGTON, D.C.â€”Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time.
But this shutdown mistakenly shut down the most non-essential entity of all: the government. For a brief period of time, all government in the United States was illegal, since it is completely non-essential to everything.
Floreat Anarchia! Ewige Bumenkraft!
13 Feb 2020
The new paper of record has the story:
U.S.â€”The recent U.N. conference on climate change and especially the words of 16-year-old activist Greta Thunberg have had a profound impact on the Democratic presidential candidates, so much so that they are now turning words into action and dropping out of the presidential race since they now think thereâ€™s no point to it.
â€œWeâ€™re all going to die, so why am I wasting my time on this?!â€ cried Cory Booker as he collapsed to his knees. â€œThereâ€™s nothing we can do!â€
â€œWhy am I fighting for abortion on demand at 39 weeks when weâ€™re all going to die anyway?!â€ screamed Elizabeth Warren. â€œItâ€™s all pointless! All my plans are pointless!â€
â€œHere I was worrying about billionaires when itâ€™s the sun thatâ€™s my enemy!â€ yelled Bernie Sanders as he shook his fist at the sun. â€œI should have taxed the sun!â€
28 Oct 2019
The Washington Post’s take on the death of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi inspired so much ridicule that they changed the header.
Sarcastic parodies were everywhere yesterday. One of the best collections I found is here.
14 Oct 2019
Predicted by Genesius Times.
13 Oct 2019
Don Surber alerts us to the human tragedy:
Last month, American missionaries went to clean up a village in a Third World nation. The volunteers picked up 50 tons of garbage in this backward land. Nowhere is the gap between the rich and the poor greater. The poor live in tents, while the rich reside in the most expensive houses in the world.
The poor face typhoid and other debilitating diseases that were eliminated in civilized nations. People poop in the street for lack of indoor plumbing.
Instead of meeting the basic sanitation needs of its cities, the corrupt, one-party government squanders billions on an unneeded high-speed train. It will never be built but contracts are awarded to political insiders for work that will never be done. Because of this corruption, President Donald John Trump wants to curtail U.S. aid to the land.
Elsewhere in this nation state, electricity is a luxury as the power has been cut off to hundreds of thousands of citizens in preparation for a natural disaster.
What is maddening is this land has the world’s fifth largest economy. It could easily take care of its needs without outsiders coming in to save them out of pity.
And sadly, the 50 tons of trash are small compared to the 22 million pounds of trash in one pile alone.
Something must be done to save this land from itself. Taking over this backward Third World nation would be easy. We already have troops stationed there. Its army consists of a national guard and police.
But that would mean spending trillions on another foray into nation building.
California sadly has very little hope.
01 Oct 2019
Dr. Bastiat pictures the scene, immediately after Republicans win control of the House of Representatives.
Mitch McConnell strides into the press conference, exuding that air of masculine confidence that made him, inevitably, a leader of men. He taps the microphone, clears his throat, and begins his presentation to the assembled reporters: â€œGood afternoon, everyone. I have an important announcement to make. In fact, one of historical significance.â€ Before the murmur in the room can die down, he declares, â€œRepublicans of both houses of Congress are officially launching an impeachment investigation of the next Democratic President of the United States.â€
After 10-15 seconds of stunned silence, the questions begin:
REPORTER 1: â€œBut, the next Democratic President hasnâ€™t even been inaugurated yet.â€
MCCONNELL: â€œNeither had President Trump, when his impeachment investigation started. One example of the bipartisan nature of this investigation is how closely we are modeling it on the admirably effective techniques of our esteemed Democratic colleagues. After all, itâ€™s all about the children.â€
REPORTER 2: â€œUmmmâ€¦ But shouldnâ€™t you at least wait until you find out.
Liberal politics is invariably accompanied by an infantile sense of self-entitlement that immunizes its possessor from any fear of establishing a precedent that could be injurious later on to himself. Liberals, Sha-la-la-la-la-la, live for today!