Category Archive 'Satire'
02 Apr 2018

When Snowflakes Date

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18 Mar 2018

Damn Those Russians!

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17 Mar 2018

The Conservative Millennial

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17 Mar 2018

If Jeremy Corbyn Had Been PM During the Blitz

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Following Jeremy Corbyn’s recent defense of Mr. Putin in Parliament, Richard Littlejohn cannot help imagining the Labour leader as Prime Minister during the early part of WWII.

In the House of Commons today, the Prime Minister, Mr Corbyn, refused to join the chorus of condemnation which has followed repeated German bombing attacks on British towns and cities.

He said there was no conclusive evidence that Herr Hitler was responsible for the Blitz, which he speculated may well have been carried out by rogue elements in the Luftwaffe with the specific intention of damaging the international reputation of the Nazi regime.

Mr Corbyn insisted it was essential to maintain robust dialogue with Berlin and told MPs he was ordering the War Department to return any unexploded bombs to Berlin for further investigation.

Just because they were dropped from German planes, which took off in Germany, and had ‘Made In Germany’ stamped on them, that was no reason to leap to the conclusion that the German government was involved in any way.

The Americans could well be behind it, he suggested, as an excuse to get involved in another European war.

There would be no official response from Downing Street until the full facts could be established, he insisted. He said those bellicose Conservatives who wanted to fight the Germans on the beaches, on the landing grounds, in the fields, the streets and the hills, were guilty of reckless provocation against one of our leading European partners.

Britain’s earlier decision to send 300,000 heavily armed soldiers to occupy the pleasure beaches at Dunkirk, without a League of Nations resolution, had only served to heighten tensions and may well be a war crime.

Challenged about German military expansionism, the Prime Minister said Herr Hitler had every right to annex Poland, Czechoslovakia, France, the Low Countries and the Sudetenland, as a vital bulwark against Western aggression.

Earlier, in an interview with the broadcaster Lord Haw-Haw on the wireless station Nazism Today, Mr Corbyn defended his official spokesman, Mr Milne, who had claimed that intelligence reports from MI5, MI6 and the Special Operations Executive were unreliable and ‘problematic’.

Mr Milne also suggested that Herr Hitler might be the victim of a smear campaign by Israel, even though Israel doesn’t actually exist yet.

Mr Corbyn has rejected out of hand widespread reports that millions of Jewish men, women and children across Europe are being rounded up by the Nazis. He said that was as absurd as trying to suggest that there was any anti-Semitism in the Labour Party.

The Prime Minister further refused widespread demands to expel German diplomats from the Court of St James’s and intern any German citizens living in Britain. Mr Corbyn said the bombing had ‘nothing to do with Nazism’ and said he had asked Scotland Yard to be on full alert for any backlash against ‘the vast majority of peace-loving Nazis’.

Even as large swathes of Coventry, Plymouth and the East End of London are devastated by the nightly bombardment from the skies, with civilian casualties currently estimated at 50,000, Mr Corbyn vowed there would be no retaliation.

He has rejected a proposal from the Royal Air Force to launch 1,000 bomber raids on German cities, and has ordered Spitfire and Hurricane squadrons in the South-East to remain on the ground.

Mr Corbyn is adamant that the young German pilots crossing the Channel from France every day are not enemy combatants and must be considered refugees fleeing conflict and possible torture at the hands of the French Resistance.

Any who crash, or are captured, should be treated as asylum seekers and directed immediately to the National Assistance headquarters in Croydon. There will be no shoot-to-kill policy on his watch, Mr Corbyn stated.

The Prime Minister believes that the best way to secure a lasting peace in Europe is by inviting his ‘friend’ Herr Hitler to the Houses of Parliament for a nice cup of tea.

Mr Corbyn blamed the failure of diplomatic efforts thus far to end the bombing on savage spending cuts in the Foreign Office brought in after World War I.

RTWT

08 Mar 2018

If Michel Foucault, Noam Chomsky, and Frantz Fanon Had Been at Rivendell…

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02 Feb 2018

FBI Warns Republican Memo Could Undermine Faith In Massive, Unaccountable Government Secret Agencies

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The Onion:

WASHINGTON—Stressing that such an action would be highly reckless, FBI Director Christopher Wray warned Thursday that releasing the “Nunes Memo” could potentially undermine faith in the massive, unaccountable government secret agencies of the United States. “Making this memo public will almost certainly impede our ability to conduct clandestine activities operating outside any legal or judicial system on an international scale,” said Wray, noting that it was essential that mutual trust exist between the American people and the vast, mysterious cabal given free rein to use any tactics necessary to conduct surveillance on U.S. citizens or subvert religious and political groups. “If we take away the people’s faith in this shadowy monolith exempt from any consequences, all that’s left is an extensive network of rogue, unelected intelligence officers carrying out extrajudicial missions for a variety of subjective, and occasionally personal, reasons.” At press time, Wray confirmed the massive, unaccountable government secret agencies were unaware of any wrongdoing for violating constitutional rights.

12 Jan 2018

Man Who Identified As M1 Abrams Tank Killed In Action

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Babylon Bee:

AFGHANISTAN—Sergeant Bruce Larson, 28, was deployed to Afghanistan as part of a mechanized Army combat unit in the fall, after informing his superiors that he self-identified as an M1A1 Abrams tank.

Tragically, the man was killed in his first combat engagement over the weekend.

After being ordered to flank an enemy position, Larson crested a hill, making tank noises and yelling, “BOOM!” as he fired his imaginary 105mm gun at Taliban forces. Confused enemy soldiers watched him from a distance as he continued to lay down “suppressing fire” by making loud “pew pew pew” noises with his mouth, which he identifies as his .50-caliber secondary armament.

Finally, the bewildered Taliban forces shot at him, according to an Army debriefing. Sadly, although the man identified as the advanced modern combat vehicle, the bullets shot at him from an enemy combatant’s AK-47 did not agree with his perception of reality, and he tragically lost his life, according to sources.

The man was not buried but was scrapped for parts at a U.S. Army scrapyard, per his wishes. He is survived by his wife, who identifies as an F-22 Raptor.

12 Dec 2017

Karl Marx Resigns

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Front Page has the story:

The father of scientific socialism and an inspirational figure to many leading Democrats, Karl Marx has announced that he is resigning as a seminal thinker and is asking all his followers, especially women, to forgive him and forget his doctrine of class conflict and communist internationalism due to allegations of sexual abuse of his female aide and a criminal conspiracy to cover it up.

In his remarks, the author of the Communist Manifesto stated, “This decision is not about me. It’s about the workers of the world. It’s become clear that I can’t both continue to deal with my history of sexual misconduct (some of which I remember differently) and at the same time remain an effective messianic leader of the oppressed in their struggle against capitalist exploitation.”

Marx continued, “As a white cisgendered heterosexual male, I have cheated on my wife, sexually assaulted my subordinate, and otherwise abused my power and privilege to hurt and victimize women. I therefore feel that I no longer have the right, nor the moral authority to defend my philosophy of class victimization, to incite class hatred, provoke violent anti-bourgeois revolutions, and establish proletarian dictatorships.”

The pressure on the leader of the exploited masses to step down has been mounting for days, ever since the New York Times broke the story about how Mr. Marx, a husband and a father of three, sexually exploited his longtime family maid, Helen Demuth. Fearing to lose her job in a volatile capitalist economy, Ms. Demuth yielded to her employer’s sexual harassment. What started as inappropriate touching and groping, soon escalated into what legally amounts to sexual assault in the workplace, which continued daily for years in Mr. Marx’s home, where Mrs. Marx and their daughters also resided.

RTWT

28 Nov 2017

Hitler Reacts to Grad Student Thought Crimes

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Also via Vanderleun.

28 Nov 2017

Millennial Job Interview

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HT: Vanderleun.

25 Nov 2017

Saving Private Kaepernick

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22 Nov 2017

How to Talk About Star Wars at Thanksgiving With Your Ignorant, Rebellion-Backing Uncle

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Sonny Bunch preps you for the inevitable Thanksgiving political arguments with your reactionary uncle.

The Jedi Are a Racist Space Aristocracy

Everyone watches the original trilogy and thinks “Hey, wow, this ‘Jedi’ thing is pretty cool. I can train to control the force and become a knight and help maintain order throughout the galaxy? Awesome!” As we learn in the prequels, though, this is not at all how it works: only those who are born with a certain genetic defect can control the force and this defect is hereditary, meaning the Jedi order is inherently dynastic and anti-meritocratic in nature. Speaking of people who lorded their genetic makeup over others…

Rebellion Celebrations Are Literally Naziesque

As I’ve noted elsewhere, George Lucas modeled the celebration at the end of A New Hope—where the non-white, non-human Chewbacca is denied a medal as a sea of pasty faces look on—on shots cribbed from Leni Riefenstahl’s work. I don’t want to go all Godwin on you, but even your drunk, backwards uncle doesn’t support Hitler, does he?

Colonialist Rebels Exploited Innocent Ewoks

So dig this my dudes: On the forest moon of Endor, the Empire was able to build a shield generator without really bothering the indigenous life forms. They coexisted in harmony, Empire and Ewok alike engaging in a live and let live philosophy. And then the Rebels show up, convince the Ewoks that C-3PO’s some sort of god, and enlist them in a holy war against the Empire! Not only that, they send their newfound teddy bear allies into battle armed with naught by sticks and stones against a garrison that is armed with lasers and AT-STs! AYFKM with this, man? Luke Skywalker is basically a latter-day Hernan Cortes. And, as we know, the conquistadors were history’s greatest monsters.

The Destruction of Alderaan Was Completely Justified

The only trump card that Republican apologists have left to play, at this point, is the notion that the destruction of Alderaan was some sort of horrible war crime. For a variety of reasons, this is ridiculous. However, all you really need to do is say this: “Grand Moff Tarkin was no worse than noted haberdasher and Democratic President Harry S. Truman.” Sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to maintain the peace, you know?

Ted Cruz Supports the Rebels

So there you are, a hip young millennial trying to explain why your bigoted, backwards uncle has it all wrong. Here’s YOUR trump: “You know who else supports the rebellion? That dope from Texas TED CRUZ.” You don’t even have to explain why this so obviously proves your point—it’s not your job to enact that labor, after all—because every non-backwards person at the table will recognize how smart you are and will call on your ignorant relative to just be quiet.

Check. And. Mate. Your Salon Dot Com internship is waiting, young sith.

RTWT

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