Babylon Bee:

Here are a few classics that every woke parent should read to their kids at bedtime.

1. Communist Manifesto (Illustrated Kids Edition): This beloved classic by Karl Marx has been rewritten for young audiences! Follow your friend Karl as he teaches your child everything from seizing the means of production to throwing your enemies in the gulag!

2. The Very Gay Caterpillar: Follow the beloved central character as he goes through 7 same-sex partners in 7 days! This is normal and should be celebrated.

3. Are You My Birthing Person?: The classic-yet-problematic Are You My Mother? has been updated with more inclusive language. About time!

4. All 371 of Barack Obama’s memoirs: Open one of Obama’s many memoirs and let your child bask in the warm glow of the light-bringer himself. Read it, and hide his words in your heart. …

7. Harry Potter but just say “Trump” instead of Voldemort: To drive the point home, make sure and scream at the sky every time you say his name.

8. The Little Engine That Was Held Back By Systemic Oppression So She Shouldn’t Even Try: An essential life lesson for every woke child.

9. ‘Men Can Have Periods’ pop-up book: If your child throws up while you read it to them, remind them that they are a bigot.

10. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad USA: Another children’s classic rewritten for modern audiences. It teaches one of life’s most important lessons: America is bad.

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Babylon Bee: Dungeons And Dragons Introduces New 100-Sided Die For Determining Your Character’s Gender.

HT: Karen L. Myers.

Babylon Bee:

JERUSALEM—Roman authorities are investigating controversial religious leader Jesus of Nazareth for violating the Empire’s clear “stay in tomb” order. After crucifying him and laying him in the tomb, Roman guards put Him under strict orders to stay there and not come back, rising victorious over sin and death.

But Jesus, answering to a higher authority, refused to stay dead and busted out of the tomb, establishing a kingdom that would never end — again, in clear violation of the government’s orders.

“Jesus is a dangerous rebel, refusing to bend the knee to Caesar and not abiding by the law of sin and death,” said one Roman official. “He clearly broke the law by leaving the tomb, and we’re going to be issuing a citation and placing him under mandatory quarantine for these crimes.”

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Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Ignorant Republicans rioted yesterday but didn’t even snag any free big-screen TVs out of the deal, sources at the Capitol Building reported.

The short-sighted protesters stormed the Capitol without stealing a bunch of stuff, prompting many to question whether they really understand the purpose of a peaceful protest at all.

“Look at these morons, rioting at the Capitol when there’s a perfectly good Target just down the street,” said one CNN reporter. “If they’d looted a bunch of local businesses in the name of social justice or whatever, we’d be covering this protest a heck of a lot differently, I’ll tell you that.

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The paper of record reports:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A congressional prayer at Capitol Building took over 24 hours to complete as Rep. Emanuel Cleaver concluded his prayer with amen, awomen, and amen variations of all 5,787 other genders.

“Amen, Awomen, Anonbinary, Agenderqueer, Atwo-spirit, Apolygender… this could take a while,” Rep. Cleaver said. “If anyone needs to go out and get some refreshments, feel free.”

“Adragonspirited, Abuildings, Atater-tots,” he continued, “Aagender, Agenderfluid, Adubstepkin, Agenderneutral, Atransmasculine, Atransfeminine, Awolfkind, Ademiboy, Astonebutch, Asquirrel, Amotoroil, Aqueenbae, Ababyyoda, Amermaidqueenking, Acaptainmarvel, Ahufflepuff.”

“Excuse me,” he said, taking a drink of water.

“Abenedryl, Aabacus, Atranspolyqueergreyacepokemon…”

After the prayer seemed to be finished, congresspeople tried to get up and leave, but Rep. Cleaver then said he was going to list all the gods he was praying to for clarification. “Yahweh, Allah, Joseph Smith, Brahma, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Thor, Odin, Isaac Asimov, Ra, Zeus, Loki, Isis, Xenu, the Force, the Lords of Kobol, Din, Nayru, Farore…” This went on for a while.

A new congressional rule will only allow Republicans to lead prayer for the sake of time, since they’ll pray to one God and conclude with “Amanlyman.”

America’s New Journal of Record:

LONDON—While filming the next Mission Impossible movie, an actor who believes Xenu stacked frozen aliens around volcanoes and then flew Douglas DC-8s over them to drop hydrogen bombs and blow them all to smithereens some 75,000,000 years ago shouted at his crew for not wearing masks and not listening to the science.

“We must listen to the science, do you understand me!?” shouted the man who follows the idea that a space lord alien dude came to Earth, then known as Teegeeack, part of a sector called the Galactic Confederation, and blew up a bunch of his people, which transformed them into thetans. “I’m sick and tired of all the ignorant beliefs going around this set! Come on, man!”

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Study Finds Connection Between Getting Your Way And Calling For Unity https://t.co/aISRFJMyTW

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) December 4, 2020

Babylon Bee:

SACRAMENTO, CA—A new California law requires businesses to provide separate restrooms for people who think they are Napoleon Bonaparte.

“Not providing a separate restroom for individuals who believe they are actually the 19th-century French emperor is hateful and wrong,” said Governor Gavin Newsom as he signed the bill into law Wednesday, flanked by several people dressed as Napoleon Bonaparte. “We will no longer allow these individuals to be discriminated against.”

The restrooms will have doorways that are just over 5’7″ tall. 19th-century French classical music will be playing. When the person finishes using the restroom, a victorious military parade will be thrown in their honor as they march out of the restroom and back into the business.

“We must affirm these people’s beliefs that they are actually Napoleon,” said Newsom. “To do anything but reinforce the delusion they’ve built up around themselves is a hate crime.”

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Babylon Bee:

EAST AURORA, NY—The toy geniuses at Fisher-Price have announced a brand new toy made just for leftist parents and their kids: the My First Peaceful Protest playset. The kid-size clubhouse will come with several varieties of spray paint so kids can tag the tiny building with their own empowering slogans. It will also be made out of cardboard, allowing the cute little tikes to burn the whole thing down if their demands are not met.

“Here at Fisher-Price, we are steadfastly committed to social justice,” said toy designer Camden Flufferton. “We need to teach our kids what democracy looks like, and there’s no better example of democracy in action than violent vandalism and arson. We hope this new playset will serve as an inspiration for parents wanting to teach their kids how to threaten citizens with violence whenever their demands are not met.”

The set will also come with toy televisions, cell phones, jewelry, and clothing, allowing kids to simulate looting before they torch the entire set. The set will be available in stores for $399 because of capitalism.

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Large Turnout For Memorial For Hans Gruber Who Was Thrown From A Building By A Police Officer https://t.co/kL7XalpRtK

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) August 31, 2020