LONDON — In his first official royal decree, King Charles has replaced Meghan and Harry in the line of succession with two of the late Queen’s corgis.
“Fluffy here shall immediately assume the title of Duke,” said Charles, presenting the corgi with a scepter. “There now! Who’s a good future King of England?”
The nation of England erupted into celebration upon hearing the news. “After the sadness of the past week, it feels good to have something to be happy about,” said citizen Gerald Funderburk. “The thought of the monarchy falling into the hands of Harry or Meghan, those blithering idiots…we can all rest a little easier tonight knowing the kingdom will be in good hands. Or paws.”
And whom will they be going after? You, Mr. & Mrs. Small Business Owners. NY Post:
A key provision in the Inflation Reduction Act — which throws an extra $80 billion to the IRS to improve the agency’s collection of under-reported income — will end up targeting small business owners to pay for the legislation, according to nonpartisan watchdog the Joint Committee on Taxation.
The group estimates that between 78% and 90% of the estimated additional $200 billion the IRS will collect will come from small businesses making less than $200,000 annually.
Just 4% to 9% would come from businesses making north of $500,000 a year — meaning the legislation is in sharp contrast to President Biden’s longstanding claim that he wouldn’t raise taxes on anyone making less than $400,000.
“The IRS will have to target small and medium businesses because they won’t fight back,” Joe Hinchman, executive vice president at National Taxpayers Union Foundation, told The Post. “We’ve seen this play out before … the IRS says ‘We’re going after the rich’ but when you’re trying to raise that much money, the rich can only get you so far.”
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In a beloved San Fran tradition, stores across the city are holding their annual 100% off Black Friday sale today, offering shoppers the opportunity to come in, throw as much stuff in a bag as they can fit, and run out of the store.
“Come one, come all, and check out these amazing discounts!” said the manager of one San Francisco Walgreens. “You can get makeup, electronics, Takis, sunglasses, you name it—even prescription medications!”
One shopper said she just had to go check out the savings on designer handbags. “Yeah, I don’t really like going out in the crowds, but for 100% off, sure. I’ll throw on a ski mask and some gloves and grab as many Gucci purses as possible.”
KENOSHA, WI—In a stunning reversal, Kyle Rittenhouse awoke this morning to discover that he had been found guilty after all.
Prosecutors explained that during the night, they had found dozens of mail-in jury votes declaring the defendant guilty on all counts. Apparently, boxes of these mail-in votes arrived in a truck at the courthouse around 3:00 am.
Attorneys for Mr. Rittenhouse were dumbfounded as to how such a thing could have happened, raising questions as to the validity of mail-in jury voting. They stated: “We’ve never heard of this. This isn’t part of the legal system. Where did these votes even come from?”
“How DARE you question the sanctity of our criminal justice system!” cried the prosecuting attorneys. “There is no justice until EVERY vote is counted!”
Prosecutors then explained that it was a new COVID measure they had just instituted. “But given how well it’s worked out,” they said, “we’re planning on making it permanent.”
Babylon Bee, 5/20/21: BILLUND, DENMARK—As part of its new push toward inclusion and diversity, LEGO has unveiled a new set of genderless bricks without male or female connectors.
Lego announced Monday the company will work to remove gender stereotypes from its toys following a global study that looked into how creative play is gendered.
The research, commissioned by the Lego Group and carried out by the Geena Davis Institute on Gender in Media, found attitudes toward children’s activities and future goals continue to be unequal and confined to gender biases. Read the rest of this entry »
KABUL—Now that Allah has seen fit to bless the Taliban with bountiful weapons and equipment from the U.S. Military, terrorists around Afghanistan have built an already thriving chain of U.S. Army Surplus stores.
“We need weapons to kill and subjugate the Afghan people under Sharia Law, but there’s just too much gear here!” said local Taliban leader Bob Muhammed. “There’s, like, billions of dollars and 20 years worth of weaponry around here, and now I can build a thriving business out of selling my wares to other terrorist folk who happen to pass through! Allah be praised!”
Although the merchandise will not be available to the general public (for obvious reasons), Muhammed’s Army Surplus will feature a full selection of deadly weaponry, ammunition, combat boots, MREs, helmets, hashish, and whatever else a soldier of Allah may need.
If successful, Bob Muhammed hopes to open more stores in Iraq and Syria.
