The witty Mongeaux at ModernDrunkardMagazine.Com reports:

Minorities Hit Hardest
by Some Lefty Reporter 02/12/06

As President Bush and his staff cowered in the White House, the snow continued to pile up on the many poor and African Amercian victims who could not afford to get out of town or to safety in Florida. Crucial supplies of blankets, hot cocoa, popcorn and dark rum – so essential to surviving the stress of any major snowstorm – lay in stores undelivered.

“Where is the government? I need my sidewalk shovelled so I can get out to buy my damn lottery tickets!” said one D.C. resident from his living room. “Why are we wasting money in Iraq when we could be spending it here on me?”

Progressive blogs blasted the President for his inaction. “We find the timing terribly suspicious – just as the Domestic Spying hearings kick into high gear, what happens? A major northeast Blizzard. Why now?” wrote blogger FukAmericanNBush2.

Hearings into the Blizzards’ effect on hearings are almost a certainty. Howard Dean has suggested he will call for an investigation once his new medications kick in and John Kerry took a break from the sporting activities of the glamourous super-rich in some exotic locale (random choice: Ice Sailing in Finland) to call for new legislation outlawing snowstorms. “The Republican Congress has dropped the ball once again. I have always been a staunch supporter of anti-snow legislation, except for certain locations where I ski. Snow has no business on our roads and the President and Congress knows that.”

Calls for impeachment over “SnowGate” as some are calling it already are mounting as deeply as the snow itself, and what will be discovered underneath will prove to have a truly chilling effect on the Republicans, as the inevitable thaw proceeds.

Or something like that.

trailer

If Sleepless in Seattle were trailered as a thriller.

An up-dated version by Dr. Sanity of A.E. Housman’s “To an Athlete Dying Young:”

That time in the sixties you made your point
And celebrated with a joint;
Protesters stood cheering by,
And everyone of them was high.

To-day, you dwell within that past,
Desperate that your theories last,
But sadly, they have been debunked,
And Marx himself has been depunked.

Smart man, to slip into a haze
Where always is the dialectic praised,
And all your dreams might come to be
Untouched by life’s reality.

Eyes that glittered with fanatic passion
Cannot forever be in fashion,
And slogans chanted from those marches
Have given way to Golden Arches

Once you weren’t just antiwar
You understood what you were for,
But then the shit, it hit the fan–
The cause then died before the man

And after all the echoes faded,
The deaths and miseries paraded,
The consequences of your cause
Its inhumane and fatal flaws

You choose to close your eyes instead,
It’s not your fault they all are dead!
You’ll find another cult as good–
Potentially in victimhood.

And when you finally face your death,
So close to breathing your last breath;
Consider all the pain and strife
Your ideals caused in real life.

————————————————-

Hat tip to Rick Ballard at YARGB.

Confederate Yankee reports the latest Republican measures to protect National Security.

Iowahawk spills the beans:

Tinseltown Looks to ’06 Rebound

Los Angeles – As the box office closes on the US film industry’s worst year since 1990, showbiz insiders are looking to a strong slate of 2006 releases to help the industry snap back from the financial doldrums.

“If we’ve learned anything this year, it’s that the market is really hungry for more good, slow, imponderable stories and dim lighting,” and industry analyst Tim Jarrard of the trade journal Hollywood Reporter. “The industry has listened, and I think the public will be pleased with the direction it will be taking in 2006.”

Anticipated major theatrical releases from Hollywood include:

Incident at Amity: Steven Spielberg directs this cerebral remake of Jaws slated for summer release. Insiders say the 31-year update will feature “additional points of view” and “be less judgmental to sharks.” Starring Willam H. Macy as the anti-shark fundamentalist, and Tom Hanks as the Great White.

Silenced Wood: George Clooney stars and directs in this drama about the climate of fear among ventriloquists during radio’s notorious Charlie McCarthy era.

Hershey Highway: Based on the Tony Kushner play, a candy factory worker (Phillip Sousa Huffnagel) and Amish teen (Joaquin Seymour Gyllenhall) find forbidden pleasure in this poignant love tale set against the gritty backdrop of Pennsylvania’s chocolate belt.

Me Billy: Based on the inspirational true story of a learning disabled man (Sean Penn) who rescues New Orleans from racist flood with a magical red cup.

Baby Doc: Jamie Foxx stars in this biopic about Haitian civil rights activist wrongly accused of despotism by LA police.

Reservoir Puppies: Director Quentin Tarantino teams with Pixar in this animated children’s holiday tale about six lost whelps and a botched burglary. Starring the voices of Steve Buscemi, Harvey Keitel, and Mike Meyers as Mister Pinky.

Zaftig Pi: The Eigenvectress. Plus-size video game superheroine comes to life, as Oscar winner Kathy Bates battles Christian fundamentalist aliens with kung fu cartwheels.

The Vespa Diaries: Romantic revolutionary scooterist Pol Pot (Lysol Phoenix) and US intellectual Noam Chomsky (Matt Affleck) find gay rainforest love in this Cambodian remake of ‘Roman Holiday’ that had Sundance audiences cheering.

Fearful Silence: Courageous What’s My Line? contestant (Leonardo DiCaprio) refuses to answer panelist questions in this gameshow drama set against the McCarthy-blacklist era. With William H. Macy as Bennett Cerf and Kevin Spacey as Kitty Carlisle.

Angel Soft This: In a shocking and sometimes humorous indictment of the toilet paper industry, filmmaker Morgan Spurlock documents the ravages he suffers after 30 straight days of non-stop buttwiping.

Mugabe: Will Smith stars in this biopic about Zimbawean civil rights activist wrongly accused of mass starvation program by LA police.

Lunch Lady: poignant story of school cook-turned-playground strangler has generated advanced Oscar buzz for star Jennifer Lopez, who reportedly gained 400 pounds, facial tatoos and gum disease for the role

Fearful Deadly Fear: Blacklisted 1950’s screenwriter Damon Runyan (Tim Robbins) writes a secret screenplay about the the McCarthy-era blacklists, in this 1950’s blacklist drama set against the background of the McCarthy era blacklists.

Cold Humpcrack Creekwater: Two retarded Gay cowgirl sisters (Rene Zellweger, Jenna Jameson) defy a fundamentalist sherriff (Hovercraft Phoenix) and discover love in this 1930’s period piece set in the Appalachian outback of Nebraskansaw.

Redemption: the Idi Amin Story: Gary Coleman stars in this biopic about Ugandan civil rights activist wrongly accused of cannibalism by LA police.

Snow Fuji Mountain: Mothra (Toby Damon) and Gamera (Orlando Law) discover forbidden love while destroying Tokyo, in this story of nuclear-triggered sexual awakening.

The Girl is Fabulous: Totally straight New Yorker Ted (Tom Cruise) falls head over heels in hetero love with Marcy (Katie Holmes) in this completely ungay romantic comedy set against the backdrop of New York’s glamorous West Village.

Silence 1984: Documentary filmmaker Errol Morris interviews the survivors of Hollywood’s notorious Reagan era ‘Year of Fear,’ when only three McCarthy-themed movies were released.

Susan Cooper, an industry writer for LA Weekly, said that 2006 plans reflected “a renewed focus on real human stories,” after several disappointing 2005 action fantasy releases. She cited the planned spring release of Hollywood’s first non-documentary look at 9/11 — Oliver Stone’s Inside Job — as evidence of Hollywood’s return to realism and a reason for industry optimism.

“There’s a really good buzz about it in Hollywood,” said “With a top director and an all-star cast, this studios are hoping for a blockbuster return.”

Stone’s $140 million September 11 epic stars Nicholas Cage, along with Haley Joel Osment as Osama Bin Laden, Robin Williams as Donald Rumsfeld, Dakota Fanning as Zacarias Moussawi, Val Kilmer as the ghost Richard Nixon, Harvey Fierstein as the International Neocon Zionist Conspiracy, Bubbles the Chimp as George Bush, and Jim Carrey as ‘My Pet Goat.’

“I think ‘Inside Job’ shows the public that we artists can make serious films on subjects that they care about,” said Stone. “Maybe then we can move on to collective healing, and you inbred flyover fundie hillbillies will finally shut the fuck up.”

Hat tip to Libertas.

And some people say there’s nothing good on PJM!

Iowahawk is offering special coverage of the election in Iraq by Special Correspondent Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi:

Yozup, haters? Yeahhh, the Zarkman’s comin’ at ya from B-town, and me and the Q Crew be all up in this bish. Infidel who runs this blog says all y’alls over in Satanland got some big hard-on about this Iraqi election shit, and asked me if I would jack his hit counter with a little local Q Crew flava. Normally Zarkman would tell the tell the punkass bitch to go suck it. But the choads at Pajamas Media are passin’ out the Haterade, so somebody’s gotta give you the Team Z POV.

The Onion reports:

WASHINGTON, DC—In a sudden and unexpected blow to the Americans working to protect the holiday, liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Stephen Reinhardt ruled the private celebration of Christmas unconstitutional Monday.

“In accordance with my activist agenda to secularize the nation, this court finds Christmas to be unlawful,” Judge Reinhardt said. “The celebration of the birth of the philosopher Jesus—be it in the form of gift-giving, the singing of carols, fanciful decorations, or general good cheer and warm feelings amongst families—is in violation of the First Amendment principles upon which this great nation was founded.”

In addition to forbidding the celebration of Christmas in any form, Judge Reinhardt has made it illegal to say “Merry Christmas.” Instead, he has ruled that Americans must say “Happy Holidays” or “Vacaciones Felices” if they wish to extend good tidings.

Within an hour of the judge’s verdict, National Guard troops were mobilized to enforce the controversial ruling.

“Sorry, kids, no Christmas this year,” Beloit, WI mall Santa Gene Ernot said as he was led away from his Santa’s Village in leg irons. “Write to your congressman to put a stop to these liberal activist judges. It’s up to you to save Christmas! Ho ho ho!”

Dr Tony offers the media a previously unreported story of millions slaughtered, and the complete destruction of a minority community, in an attack by government-approved agents.

Six Meat Buffet has started his Twelve Days of Christmas last-minute gift selections for liberals:

Day One: TED KENNEDY CHAPPAQUIDDICK BATHTUB PLAYSET;

Day Three: STRATEGO FOR DEMOCRATS (with white flags!)

are very good. Hat tip to Michelle Malkin, who quotes a comment on Day Three’s present: “Are there instructions in French?”

James Lileks puts the year’s big stories in perspective. Hat tip to Glenn Reynolds.

Revealed by the VariFrank blog:

Somewhere in Eastern Europe:

A prisoner: