Just days after retired Marine Gen. James Mattis was officially tapped as Trumpâ€™s nomination for defense secretary, he vowed to reporters that if approved by Congress he would â€œmake killing great again.â€
â€œThe first time we blow an enemy nation completely off the map will not be an insignificant event,â€ Mattis said. â€œThe survivors of the globe will write about what we do for the next 10,000 years.â€
There has been unprecedented bipartisan support for â€œMad Dogâ€ Mattisâ€™ nomination, as many lawmakers are fearful of receiving a vigorous ass kicking from the retired Marine general.
â€œHe testified on Capitol Hill once, pushed me on the ground, and then took my lunch money,â€ said Democratic Rep. Tammy Duckworth of Illinois. â€œIâ€™m all about him being SecDef if he stops calling me girlâ€™s names.â€
Meanwhile, Pentagon brass are scrambling to figure out how they are going to brief the incoming Defense Secretary without PowerPoint.
â€œI once gave a short but exciting PowerPoint brief to General Mattis,â€ said a Marine officer who wished to remain anonymous. â€œI was on light duty for three weeks after that.â€
Confident in his approval by Congress, Mattis has already ordered all military maps to be changed from having a label of â€œMiddle Eastâ€ to â€œFree Parking.â€
At press time, Rep. Seth Moulton (D-Mass.), a former Marine officer, was seen pleading â€” with tears in his eyes â€” that Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-N.Y.) not try and cross Mattis, for fear heâ€™ll kill them all.
We Are the Mighty predicts some policy changes at the Pentagon as soon as General Mattis takes over as Secretary of Defense.
1. The â€œRun, Hide, Fightâ€ active shooter policy will be simplified.
The Department of Homeland Security prepares citizens to respond to an active shooter scenario using the phrase â€œRun. Hide. Fight.â€ Which is greatâ€¦ for DHS. James Mattisâ€™ DoD wonâ€™t run. And they definitely wonâ€™t hide.
2. Incoming employees must submit a plan to kill everyone in their work section. …
4. Every employeeâ€™s in-processing checklist will include getting shot at. …
Millions of members of the U.S. military are frantically Googling where the Secretary of Defense sits in the line of succession to President of the United States, sources confirmed today.
The more than two million Google searches for terms such as â€œwhere is SecDef in succession orderâ€ and â€œcan SecDef be promoted to presidentâ€ came just hours after it was learned that retired Marine Gen. James Mattis would be named to lead the Department of Defense.
Mattis, 66, has been tapped by President-elect Donald Trump to head the department, which has been plagued by low morale and expensive cluster-fuck weapons systems, such as the F-35. Heâ€™s expected to easily boost morale, but attempting to fix DoD bureaucracy may be beyond even Mattisâ€™ abilities.
When asked how Pentagon procurement could be fixed, for example, even God declined to answer. Instead, the Almighty referred all further questions to Lockheed Martin, Boeing, and General Dynamics.
If confirmed, Mattis would need to simultaneously take out the Treasury Secretary, Secretary of State, President pro tempore of the Senate, the Speaker of the House, the Vice President, and the President, in order to assume the highest office in the land.
According to sources, he already has a plan to do just that, which he wrote in 2003. He later stashed the plan in the drawer of his nightstand, on which his concubine places a breakfast shake mix of Jack Daniels and Creatine each morning. A person familiar with the plan said that Mattis mostly uses his bare hands, though he often carries multiple guns, knives, and sharp sticks on his person.
Experts say that Mattis dropping six people who have no military training would be a â€œwalk in the park,â€ compared to his usual average of 12 kills per day. They went on to say that Mattis exterminating a bunch of tubby civilians would be roughly equivalent to him taking a bath or making toast, in terms of difficulty.
Secret Service wary of Mattis having plan to kill everyone he meets at Trump Tower
NEW YORK â€” Agents with the Secret Service are reportedly stressed and uneasy about a meeting between President-elect Donald Trump and retired Marine Gen. James Mattis, since the legendary four-star commander has a plan to kill everyone he meets at Trump Tower.
Mattis, 66, was summoned to Trumpâ€™s New York City penthouse on Saturday to discuss the possibility of his being named as Defense Secretary.
As part of his pre-trip planning, sources say that Mattis wrote a five-paragraph order with detailed plans to kill everyone on his way to the building, to include TSA workers in the security screening area at his home airport, the pilots flying him to New York, all the passengers on the aircraft, the taxi driver who picked him up, multiple people who were rude to him on the subway, and staff in the lobby of Trump Tower.
When reached by reporters, Mattis declined to comment on whether he had a plan to kill anyone else.
In an unprecedented turn in American history, retired Marine Gen. James Mattis, several years after being dismissed by the President and exiled to his estate in the countryside, marched on the national capitol early Tuesday morning with an army over one hundred thousand strong.
This number includes at least ten infantry legions, several aviation and artillery legions, and multiple cavalry cohorts.
â€œI come in peace, by myself, in order to hand-deliver a Memorandum of Concern to the Commander in Chief and the Senate,â€ said Mattis in a press conference. â€œI am moving on foot at a leisurely pace, with no ill will. If these American citizens choose to take a stroll with me, then who am I to turn down their companionship?â€
The contents of the so-called memorandum are unknown, but are rumored by Mattisâ€™ close advisors to contain paragraphs addressing unconstitutional acts by the administration and the Senate. Alarmed by the amassing of troops sympathetic to Mattis over the last week at Fort Myer, the Senate, the President, and various generals attempted to recall various combat divisions to Washington to defend the city.
These included the 101st Airborne, 82nd Airborne, 10th Mountain, and 3rd Infantry Divisions, in addition to the 2nd Marine Expeditionary Force.
â€œWe even attempted to contact NAVSURFLANT and SUBLANT,â€ confided one Senate aide as he packed his Datsun to flee northward. â€œAll we got was laughter and then static.â€