Gerard van der Leun updated the Beatles hit song “Help!” (1965) for Joe Biden’s contemporary America.
When I was younger so much younger than today
I never needed anybiden’s help in any way
But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured
Now I find I’ve lost my mind and voted for the whores
Help me if you can, I’m feeling broke
And I do appreciate you being ‘woke
Help me get more money all for free
Won’t you please steal for me?
And now my strife has changed in oh so many ways
All my freedoms seem to vanish in this maze
And every now and then I feel just like a whore
See I need you to work so I can cop and score.
Help me if you can, I’m feeling brown
And I do appreciate you fucking ’round
Help me get more freebies by the pound
Won’t you please, please steal for me?
Two long years ago
the probe began and many thought
that someday it would make them smile.
And those who said it had no chance
were scowled upon and seen askance
so desperate was the hope to see a trial.
But February made them shiver
as it came clear he’d not deliver.
The news that they desired
was not to be acquired.
I know that many people cried
when they read the news, it hurt their pride,
so deeply in the pipe dream mired
the day collusion died.
So bye, bye to the collusion lie,
Russian Agents, Putin’s Puppet and a plot to deny.
From each new event how the conjecture would fly.
Can they let it go and just let it die?
Let it go and just let it die.
We all know that he’s corrupt
and his list of crimes is building up
so I’ll just list them down below.
While emoluments could’ve kicked the goal
collusion was their chosen roll
investigating all of it real slow.
Well, the Media then lost their mind
as they blundered backward fully blind.
Collusion became news,
evidence not vital for clues.
The other news stories all were then chucked
while collusion filled every news truck
But I knew they ran out of luck
the day collusion died.
But they kept singing
Bye, bye he’s a Russian ally
Putin Puppet, Russian agent and a treasonous spy
and every day, more wacky theories would fly.
Time to let it go and just let it to die.
Let it go and just let it die.
Now when Mueller issued his report
the media could not contort it
to save face though they did try.
They lost all credibility.
Embarrassed is what they should be,
and the damage done they cannot deny.
They gave victory to the president,
validation as if heaven sent.
The courtroom was adjourned,
no verdict was returned.
And now when he screams about fake news
he’ll be correct thanks to their ruse.
The “Witch Hunt†he’ll rightfully accuse
the day collusion died.
‘cause they were singing
Bye, bye he’s a Russian ally
Putin Puppet, Russian agent and a treasonous spy
And every day, more crazy theories would fly
time to let it go and just let it to die.
let it go and just let it die.
I met a girl who sang the blues.
She she asked me for some happy news.
I offered but she just turned away.
Those who followed actual facts
instead of “liberal media†hacks
would know that Mueller knew the only way.
He farmed out criminal indictments
to seven districts, there’s excitement,
all of them pardon-proof,
not like the collusion spoof.
So carefully he did anoint
a prosecution starting point
the outcome couldn’t disappoint
the day collusion died.
Yet they’re still singing
Bye, bye he’s a Russian ally
Putin Puppet, Russian agent and a treasonous spy.
The Russian hysteria was misplaced outcry.
Time to let it go and just let it die.
Let it go and just let it die.
So, bye, bye to the collusion lie,
Collusion obsession-gave the press a black eye.
And if they persist the damage will amplify
Time to let it go and just let it die.
The Very Model of a Modern-Age Millennial
by Meg Elison
I am the very model of a modern-age millennial,
I’ve got no cash, no house, no kids, and student debt perennial,
I know the rules of Tinder, and I’m not sold on monogamy
(For what it’s worth I think that stems from troubles ‘tween my mom and me)
I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters on the gender front
Myself, I am nonbinary; your labels I so do not want
Been disillusioned by my expectations with a lot o’ stuff,
The skills with which I am equipped for life are frankly not enough
My job prospects are hobbled by insistence on a living wage
Compete at entry level with some washed-up folks at twice my age
In matters of identity, employment and such petty ills
I am the very model of a modern-age millennial
