You have to wonder how it came about that practically all the greatest institutions and corporations in America have fallen into the hands of pea-brained conformist Woke nincompoops.
Every Christmas, Williams-Sonoma assumes you’re horny for tartan. Like you put on a kilt and affect a Scottish brogue and scream AYE YA WEE LADS AND LASSES! WITHOOT BOREDARE LINNUNS, THIS HULLIDAY IS SHITE!!! There must be tartan, and there must also be decorative berries that are poisonous if spotted out in the wild. That’s Christmas, baby. I like to play bagpipes in the nude and then decorate my walls with thorny brambles for unsuspecting guests to accidentally brush against. Pairs well with my contempt for society in general. …
COPY: “Bubbly & Bites! All you need is Champagne, a few easy appetizers and our elegant Marble & Brass entertaining pieces to host a fabulous holiday get-together.â€
Drew says: Hang on a minute. Let’s check out these “easy appetizers,†shall we?
“1. Crème fraiche with salmon roe and Cape gooseberries on rounds of seeded wheat breadâ€
Where the fuck am I gonna find Cape gooseberries? Do you sell them in the back of this catalog for $5.99 each? “Make your Christmas party a BREEZE by milling your own caraway seed, baking melba toasts from scratch, and then topping your creation off with a dash of Madgascar toucan bill and locally sourced uni sperm!†…
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You thought the Star Wars cookware was the end of it. You were wrong. That’s only the beginning, amigo. What do you think happens when an entire generation is raised exclusively on Marvel and Star Wars movies, and then ages into boomerdom? THIS. This is what happens. Half a century from now, you’ll walk into a Christmas party at a 6,500 sq, ft. mansion hosted by some McKinsey executive, and the whole joint will be decorated with elaborate Baby Yoda tapestries and ceramic Tony Starks hand-crafted by skilled artisans in Lombardy. You’ll never escape it. When you die, you’ll be interred in an even BIGGER Han Solo Le Creuset. In tartan.
Free Beacon: NavyCon attendees critique the Empire’s military failures.
The debriefing was as vicious as you’d expect it to be, the Navy commander methodic in his dissection of one of the greatest failures in military history. The massive loss of life and strategic capabilities were inevitable once the officers of history’s greatest military force allowed large sections of the region to “develop into a safe haven” for lawlessness and terrorism, “the perfect environment to allow a rebellion to grow.”
“Once maritime dominance is established, resistance from shore rarely stops,” says Cmdr. BJ Armstrong. “Without small ships to run intercept the blockade was simply a dismal failure.”
Armstrong, an academy instructor with a PhD in War Studies from King’s College, is not talking about the Middle East or Northern Africa of today or the sinking of the Bismarck in 1941. He’s focused on the loss of the Death Star and the Battle of Hoth, two “cautionary tales” that have much to teach the future officers of the American military. …
Defense News writer David Larter[‘s]… presentation focuses on the “Mistakes of the Empire” in Star Wars. In between his quips about the rebel alliance’s tactical resemblance to ISIS and Darth Vader’s failures as a leader—”force choke in private, praise in public”—are actual lessons about institution building and educating military commanders. Vader choking “Admiral Bozzell”—here someone interjects that it’s “Admiral Ozzel”—represents the “zero defect mentality” of leadership that cripples military leadership. He points to military command’s trigger finger in laying off errant captains who have caused public relations headaches.
“Is the Navy force choking people for simple mistakes and is that making leaders too cautious?” he says. “A healthy organization struggles with these issues and does so publicly.”
The Empire comes in for further scorching by Cmdr. Armstrong, who lays waste to the idea that it had any chance against Jedi rebels. One need only study naval architecture to grasp the point: The Empire’s “improper fleet architecture” left it unable to provide “constabulary duties” in peacetime, which allowed rebellion to fester. More than that such a system stifles leadership as ship captains are taken from a pool of those “at the ends of their careers” rather than young leaders.
Capt. Mark Vandroff, a long-time ship builder and commander of the Carderock Division of the Naval Surface Warfare Center, joins the dogpile heaping scorn on Palpatine. Vandroff disputes Armstrong’s simplistic reliance on constabulary forces, saying that building constabulary forces would “bankrupt” the Empire. But he also acknowledges the Empire’s miscalculation of the political realities of the galaxy and understanding of supply chain that ultimately undid the Death Star—even after an otherwise flawless acquisition and building operation.
“If your strategy doesn’t make sense it doesn’t matter what you buy,” he says.
Sonny Bunch preps you for the inevitable Thanksgiving political arguments with your reactionary uncle.
The Jedi Are a Racist Space Aristocracy
Everyone watches the original trilogy and thinks “Hey, wow, this ‘Jedi’ thing is pretty cool. I can train to control the force and become a knight and help maintain order throughout the galaxy? Awesome!” As we learn in the prequels, though, this is not at all how it works: only those who are born with a certain genetic defect can control the force and this defect is hereditary, meaning the Jedi order is inherently dynastic and anti-meritocratic in nature. Speaking of people who lorded their genetic makeup over others…
Rebellion Celebrations Are Literally Naziesque
As I’ve noted elsewhere, George Lucas modeled the celebration at the end of A New Hope—where the non-white, non-human Chewbacca is denied a medal as a sea of pasty faces look on—on shots cribbed from Leni Riefenstahl’s work. I don’t want to go all Godwin on you, but even your drunk, backwards uncle doesn’t support Hitler, does he?
Colonialist Rebels Exploited Innocent Ewoks
So dig this my dudes: On the forest moon of Endor, the Empire was able to build a shield generator without really bothering the indigenous life forms. They coexisted in harmony, Empire and Ewok alike engaging in a live and let live philosophy. And then the Rebels show up, convince the Ewoks that C-3PO’s some sort of god, and enlist them in a holy war against the Empire! Not only that, they send their newfound teddy bear allies into battle armed with naught by sticks and stones against a garrison that is armed with lasers and AT-STs! AYFKM with this, man? Luke Skywalker is basically a latter-day Hernan Cortes. And, as we know, the conquistadors were history’s greatest monsters.
The Destruction of Alderaan Was Completely Justified
The only trump card that Republican apologists have left to play, at this point, is the notion that the destruction of Alderaan was some sort of horrible war crime. For a variety of reasons, this is ridiculous. However, all you really need to do is say this: “Grand Moff Tarkin was no worse than noted haberdasher and Democratic President Harry S. Truman.” Sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to maintain the peace, you know?
Ted Cruz Supports the Rebels
So there you are, a hip young millennial trying to explain why your bigoted, backwards uncle has it all wrong. Here’s YOUR trump: “You know who else supports the rebellion? That dope from Texas TED CRUZ.” You don’t even have to explain why this so obviously proves your point—it’s not your job to enact that labor, after all—because every non-backwards person at the table will recognize how smart you are and will call on your ignorant relative to just be quiet.
Check. And. Mate. Your Salon Dot Com internship is waiting, young sith.
