Category Archive 'Viral Email'

27 Apr 2019

“Where to Retire”

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(Via viral email from Hometown Friend):

You can retire to Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME

-OR-

You can retire to California where…
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4 When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

-OR-

You can retire to New York City where…
1 You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

-OR-

You can retire to Minnesota where..
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

-OR-

You can retire to The Deep South where…
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin ” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say “Bless his heart” at the end!

-OR-

You can move to Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

-OR-

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where…
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end every sentence with a preposition; “Where’s my coat at”
-OR-

FINALLY you can retire to Florida where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

05 Nov 2014

Al Gray Story

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al-gray4
General Al Gray, 29th Commandant of the Marine Corps

Via viral email yesterday:

The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty old “Field Marine.” He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private (In this way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. And, woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be “unfit in quality or quantity”). Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of “formal entertaining”…fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating cold “C-rats” around a fighting hole with a bunch of young “hard charging” Marines. But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the best of his ability. During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines from “Eighth and Eye” (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington, D.C., home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the position of “parade rest” at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were being held. At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, blue-haired lady picked up a tray of pastries and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Kuwait. She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal, drew near him and asked, “Would you like some pastry young man?” The young Marine snapped to “attention” and replied, “I don’t eat that shit, Ma’am.” Just as quickly, he resumed the position of” parade rest.” His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange. The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, “W-W-What did you say?” The Marine snapped back to the position of “attention” (like the arm of a mousetrap smacking its wooden base). Then he said, “I don’t eat that shit, Ma’am.” And just as smartly as before, back to the position of “parade rest” he went. This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her station in life), and he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed, “Well! I never…!” The lady remembered that she had met that military man in charge of all these “soldiers” earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of bourbon in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants.

So blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted. “General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do you know what he told me?” General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, “Well, no Ma’am, I don’t.” The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately expressing with her body language her considerable rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, he said,” I – don’t – eat – that – shit – Ma’am!” The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy.

A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought that most of them had was, “God, I hope it wasn’t one of MY Marines!” and the color left their faces. General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, “Hmmm. Which one did you say it was Ma’am?,” the General asked.

“That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General,” the woman said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support. General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to one indicating he had made a decision. He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, “Well, fuck him! Don’t give him any.”

Hat tip to Henry Bernatonis.

20 Dec 2010

Holiday Viral Email

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Please accept with no obligation implied or explicit,

my best wishes for an environmentally conscious,

socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,

gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday,

practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the

religious persuasion of your choice, with respect for the

religious / secular persuasion and/or traditions of others,

or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and

medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset

of the generally accepted calendar year 2010,

but not without due respect for the calendars of choice

of other cultures whose contributions to society and science

have helped to make America great. Not to imply that America

is or is not greater than any other country,

nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere.

These wishes are made without regard to the race, creed,

color, age, physical ability, education, religious faith,

political affiliation or sexual preference of the wishee.

These wishes are intended for the sole pleasure of the intended addressee,

and is not for re-distribution or resale.

Please destroy after expiration date.

…and may all your batteries be included.

Please Read Carefully:

I MAKE NO REPRESENTATIONS OR WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED,

REGARDING THESE WISHES (INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO ABILITY TO PERFORM,

VULNERABILITY, CONTENT, AND/OR INCOME), AND ANY OTHER SERVICE PROVIDED BY ME HEREUNDER,

INCLUDING, WITHOUT LIMITATION, ANY IMPLIED WARRANTY OF FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE

AND IMPLIED WARRANTIES ARISING FROM A COURSE OF DEALING OR COURSE OF PERFORMANCE.

I EXPRESSLY DISCLAIM ANY REPRESENTATION OR WARRANTY REGARDING THE PERFORMANCE,

AVAILABILITY, FUNCTIONALITY, OR ANY OTHER ASPECT OF MYSELF.

I WILL NOT BE LIABLE FOR ANY INTERRUPTIONS OR ERRORS, MEDICAL CONDITION, FAMILY HISTORY, OR RELATIVES;

NOR WILL I BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY CHILDREN PRODUCED AS A RESULT OF THESE WISHES.

———————-

Hat tip to Matthew Klein.


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