“If You Could Die Of Irony, She [Liz Warren] Would Be Dead.”

Babylon Bee:

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In a beloved San Fran tradition, stores across the city are holding their annual 100% off Black Friday sale today, offering shoppers the opportunity to come in, throw as much stuff in a bag as they can fit, and run out of the store.

“Come one, come all, and check out these amazing discounts!” said the manager of one San Francisco Walgreens. “You can get makeup, electronics, Takis, sunglasses, you name it—even prescription medications!”

One shopper said she just had to go check out the savings on designer handbags. “Yeah, I don’t really like going out in the crowds, but for 100% off, sure. I’ll throw on a ski mask and some gloves and grab as many Gucci purses as possible.”

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Babylon Bee:

KENOSHA, WI—In a stunning reversal, Kyle Rittenhouse awoke this morning to discover that he had been found guilty after all.

Prosecutors explained that during the night, they had found dozens of mail-in jury votes declaring the defendant guilty on all counts. Apparently, boxes of these mail-in votes arrived in a truck at the courthouse around 3:00 am.

Attorneys for Mr. Rittenhouse were dumbfounded as to how such a thing could have happened, raising questions as to the validity of mail-in jury voting. They stated: “We’ve never heard of this. This isn’t part of the legal system. Where did these votes even come from?”

“How DARE you question the sanctity of our criminal justice system!” cried the prosecuting attorneys. “There is no justice until EVERY vote is counted!”

Prosecutors then explained that it was a new COVID measure they had just instituted. “But given how well it’s worked out,” they said, “we’re planning on making it permanent.”

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Babylon Bee: Prosecutor Proves How Deadly AR-15 Is By Accidentally Shooting 7 Jurors.

Babylon Bee, 5/20/21: BILLUND, DENMARK—As part of its new push toward inclusion and diversity, LEGO has unveiled a new set of genderless bricks without male or female connectors.

USAToday, 10/11/21:

Lego announced Monday the company will work to remove gender stereotypes from its toys following a global study that looked into how creative play is gendered.

The research, commissioned by the Lego Group and carried out by the Geena Davis Institute on Gender in Media, found attitudes toward children’s activities and future goals continue to be unequal and confined to gender biases. Read the rest of this entry »

Babylon Bee:

KABUL—Now that Allah has seen fit to bless the Taliban with bountiful weapons and equipment from the U.S. Military, terrorists around Afghanistan have built an already thriving chain of U.S. Army Surplus stores.

“We need weapons to kill and subjugate the Afghan people under Sharia Law, but there’s just too much gear here!” said local Taliban leader Bob Muhammed. “There’s, like, billions of dollars and 20 years worth of weaponry around here, and now I can build a thriving business out of selling my wares to other terrorist folk who happen to pass through! Allah be praised!”

Although the merchandise will not be available to the general public (for obvious reasons), Muhammed’s Army Surplus will feature a full selection of deadly weaponry, ammunition, combat boots, MREs, helmets, hashish, and whatever else a soldier of Allah may need.

If successful, Bob Muhammed hopes to open more stores in Iraq and Syria.

The Babylon Bee makes a clear case.

1) The government is very trustworthy and would never hurt anyone.

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Babylon Bee:

Here are a few classics that every woke parent should read to their kids at bedtime.

1. Communist Manifesto (Illustrated Kids Edition): This beloved classic by Karl Marx has been rewritten for young audiences! Follow your friend Karl as he teaches your child everything from seizing the means of production to throwing your enemies in the gulag!

2. The Very Gay Caterpillar: Follow the beloved central character as he goes through 7 same-sex partners in 7 days! This is normal and should be celebrated.

3. Are You My Birthing Person?: The classic-yet-problematic Are You My Mother? has been updated with more inclusive language. About time!

4. All 371 of Barack Obama’s memoirs: Open one of Obama’s many memoirs and let your child bask in the warm glow of the light-bringer himself. Read it, and hide his words in your heart. …

7. Harry Potter but just say “Trump” instead of Voldemort: To drive the point home, make sure and scream at the sky every time you say his name.

8. The Little Engine That Was Held Back By Systemic Oppression So She Shouldn’t Even Try: An essential life lesson for every woke child.

9. ‘Men Can Have Periods’ pop-up book: If your child throws up while you read it to them, remind them that they are a bigot.

10. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad USA: Another children’s classic rewritten for modern audiences. It teaches one of life’s most important lessons: America is bad.

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Babylon Bee: Dungeons And Dragons Introduces New 100-Sided Die For Determining Your Character’s Gender.

HT: Karen L. Myers.

Babylon Bee:

JERUSALEM—Roman authorities are investigating controversial religious leader Jesus of Nazareth for violating the Empire’s clear “stay in tomb” order. After crucifying him and laying him in the tomb, Roman guards put Him under strict orders to stay there and not come back, rising victorious over sin and death.

But Jesus, answering to a higher authority, refused to stay dead and busted out of the tomb, establishing a kingdom that would never end — again, in clear violation of the government’s orders.

“Jesus is a dangerous rebel, refusing to bend the knee to Caesar and not abiding by the law of sin and death,” said one Roman official. “He clearly broke the law by leaving the tomb, and we’re going to be issuing a citation and placing him under mandatory quarantine for these crimes.”

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Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Ignorant Republicans rioted yesterday but didn’t even snag any free big-screen TVs out of the deal, sources at the Capitol Building reported.

The short-sighted protesters stormed the Capitol without stealing a bunch of stuff, prompting many to question whether they really understand the purpose of a peaceful protest at all.

“Look at these morons, rioting at the Capitol when there’s a perfectly good Target just down the street,” said one CNN reporter. “If they’d looted a bunch of local businesses in the name of social justice or whatever, we’d be covering this protest a heck of a lot differently, I’ll tell you that.

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