LONDON—While filming the next Mission Impossible movie, an actor who believes Xenu stacked frozen aliens around volcanoes and then flew Douglas DC-8s over them to drop hydrogen bombs and blow them all to smithereens some 75,000,000 years ago shouted at his crew for not wearing masks and not listening to the science.
“We must listen to the science, do you understand me!?” shouted the man who follows the idea that a space lord alien dude came to Earth, then known as Teegeeack, part of a sector called the Galactic Confederation, and blew up a bunch of his people, which transformed them into thetans. “I’m sick and tired of all the ignorant beliefs going around this set! Come on, man!”
SACRAMENTO, CAâ€”A new California law requires businesses to provide separate restrooms for people who think they are Napoleon Bonaparte.
“Not providing a separate restroom for individuals who believe they are actually the 19th-century French emperor is hateful and wrong,” said Governor Gavin Newsom as he signed the bill into law Wednesday, flanked by several people dressed as Napoleon Bonaparte. “We will no longer allow these individuals to be discriminated against.”
The restrooms will have doorways that are just over 5’7″ tall. 19th-century French classical music will be playing. When the person finishes using the restroom, a victorious military parade will be thrown in their honor as they march out of the restroom and back into the business.
“We must affirm these people’s beliefs that they are actually Napoleon,” said Newsom. “To do anything but reinforce the delusion they’ve built up around themselves is a hate crime.”
EAST AURORA, NYâ€”The toy geniuses at Fisher-Price have announced a brand new toy made just for leftist parents and their kids: the My First Peaceful Protest playset. The kid-size clubhouse will come with several varieties of spray paint so kids can tag the tiny building with their own empowering slogans. It will also be made out of cardboard, allowing the cute little tikes to burn the whole thing down if their demands are not met.
“Here at Fisher-Price, we are steadfastly committed to social justice,” said toy designer Camden Flufferton. “We need to teach our kids what democracy looks like, and there’s no better example of democracy in action than violent vandalism and arson. We hope this new playset will serve as an inspiration for parents wanting to teach their kids how to threaten citizens with violence whenever their demands are not met.”
The set will also come with toy televisions, cell phones, jewelry, and clothing, allowing kids to simulate looting before they torch the entire set. The set will be available in stores for $399 because of capitalism.
Babylon Bee, Free Speech, Freedom of Thought, Harper's Letter, Jennifer Finney Boylan, Kerri Greenidge, Satire
Babylon Bee: “International Manhunt Under Way For Those Who Signed Letter Supporting Tolerance Of Differing Viewpoints”
Harper’s A letter on Justice and Open Debate
From America’s new journal of record, the Babylon Bee:
BILLUND, DENMARKâ€”The world is hurting right now, and everyone knows that the only thing that can heal the wound is big corporations announcing their positions on things.
Well, we’ve taken a big step toward unity today as LEGO announced all building sets in the future would remove the police and replace them with rioters from groups such as Antifa. The new “LEGO Riot City” line of building bricks brings a real, police-less LEGO utopia right to your tabletop.
The new playsets are completely police-free, showing us what peace and harmony could break out in our own world without law enforcement officers. The interactive buildings feature windows you can really break with a well-placed LEGO brick and tiny, cute Molotov cocktails your minifigs can toss to set the town aflame.
“LEGO City will now be policed entirely by concerned Antifa members,” said a LEGO spokesperson. “It’s important to remind our kids how toxic the police are and how much better it would be without them. Also, kids love destroying things so this should be a huge seller.”
Babylon Bee (the new paper of record):
WASHINGTON, D.C.â€”Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time.
But this shutdown mistakenly shut down the most non-essential entity of all: the government. For a brief period of time, all government in the United States was illegal, since it is completely non-essential to everything.
Floreat Anarchia! Ewige Bumenkraft!
Imagine thereâ€™s no bread
Itâ€™s easy if you try
No tacos or hot sauce,
Nothing cold or fried,
Imagine all the people living in the gulags
Imagine thereâ€™s no money
It isnâ€™t hard to do
Nothing to eat or drink
And no bacon too
Imagine all the people living short life spans ooooh
You may say Iâ€™m a commie
But Iâ€™m not the only one
And someday you will join us
Or weâ€™ll shoot you in the face
Imagine no possessions
Because all your stuff was redistributed
Lots of greed and hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people sharing all your stuff, yeah
You may say Iâ€™m a commie
But Iâ€™m not the only one
Did you say you donâ€™t like that?
Then itâ€™s the gulag for you, son
All Democrats Drop Out Of Presidential Race Since The World Is Ending From Climate Change And There’s No Point
The new paper of record has the story:
U.S.â€”The recent U.N. conference on climate change and especially the words of 16-year-old activist Greta Thunberg have had a profound impact on the Democratic presidential candidates, so much so that they are now turning words into action and dropping out of the presidential race since they now think thereâ€™s no point to it.
â€œWeâ€™re all going to die, so why am I wasting my time on this?!â€ cried Cory Booker as he collapsed to his knees. â€œThereâ€™s nothing we can do!â€
â€œWhy am I fighting for abortion on demand at 39 weeks when weâ€™re all going to die anyway?!â€ screamed Elizabeth Warren. â€œItâ€™s all pointless! All my plans are pointless!â€
â€œHere I was worrying about billionaires when itâ€™s the sun thatâ€™s my enemy!â€ yelled Bernie Sanders as he shook his fist at the sun. â€œI should have taxed the sun!â€