Category Archive 'The Onion'
15 Mar 2019
Michelangelo, Expulsion from Eden, Sistine Chapel, 1508-1512.
Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If Theyâ€™d Had Guns
HOUSTONâ€”In what they described as scriptural evidence of the right to bear arms, leading figures among the religious right gathered Wednesday to issue a statement arguing that Adam and Eve would never have been banished from the Garden of Eden if they had owned guns. â€œJust imagine: If Adam and Eve had carried firearms and stood their ground against God, they would have been able to eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge in peace, and He could never have forced them to leave paradise,â€ said Pastor Hugh Peters of Houstonâ€™s Second Baptist Church, explaining how the entire course of human history would have been altered for the better if the first man and woman had taken the simple precaution of keeping a semiautomatic weapon at the ready for use during emergencies. â€œGod was trespassing on their property, pure and simple. He had absolutely no right to force them from their home. Had Eve been able to open-carry a handgun, maybe tying it to her hip with a vine or something, God would have known to back off. This is one of the Bibleâ€™s most important lessons.â€
God didn’t make men equal, after all. That was Samuel Colt.
HT: Stephen Frankel.
02 Feb 2018
WASHINGTONâ€”Stressing that such an action would be highly reckless, FBI Director Christopher Wray warned Thursday that releasing the â€œNunes Memoâ€ could potentially undermine faith in the massive, unaccountable government secret agencies of the United States. â€œMaking this memo public will almost certainly impede our ability to conduct clandestine activities operating outside any legal or judicial system on an international scale,â€ said Wray, noting that it was essential that mutual trust exist between the American people and the vast, mysterious cabal given free rein to use any tactics necessary to conduct surveillance on U.S. citizens or subvert religious and political groups. â€œIf we take away the peopleâ€™s faith in this shadowy monolith exempt from any consequences, all thatâ€™s left is an extensive network of rogue, unelected intelligence officers carrying out extrajudicial missions for a variety of subjective, and occasionally personal, reasons.â€ At press time, Wray confirmed the massive, unaccountable government secret agencies were unaware of any wrongdoing for violating constitutional rights.
28 Jan 2018
LOS ANGELESâ€”Shedding new light on the tragic ending to his critically acclaimed portrait of the animal activist, filmmaker Werner Herzog told reporters Wednesday that he killed and ate Timothy Treadwell in 2003. â€œI should finally say that during the filming of my documentary Grizzly Man, I mauled Timothy Treadwell to death and then devoured his remains,â€ said Herzog, admitting after 15 years that it was in fact he and not the grizzly bears of Katmai National Park who sunk his teeth into Treadwellâ€™s neck, ripped out his jugular, and feasted on his organs. â€œTimothy and his girlfriend Amie Huguenard were setting up camp by a salmon stream when I approached them, aggressively batted them around, and then tore them limb-from-limb while they screamed. His judgment was perhaps clouded by his optimistic view of nature, which, in the end, sadly led to me picking his bones clean.â€ Herzog went on to say that the most tragic part of the story was that, after years of integration, Treadwell felt he had finally gained his trust.
10 Sep 2017
MENLO PARK, CAâ€”Assuring users that the companyâ€™s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the websiteâ€™s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts. â€œUnfortunately, late Monday evening, a major failure in our news feed program allowed a significant number of users to come into contact with concepts unfamiliar to them,â€ said CEO Mark Zuckerberg, appearing contrite as he emphasized to reporters that the issue had been resolved and that it was now safe to visit the social media site again without fear of encountering any opinions, notions, or perspectives not aligning with oneâ€™s existing worldview. â€œTo those who were forced to read a headline they did not agree with when they visited Facebook yesterday, we are deeply sorry. Itâ€™s an inexcusable failing on our part if your viewpoints were not reinforced by what you saw onscreen. I want all Facebook users to know that youâ€™ll never again encounter any ideas on our site that are in any way novel or ideologically challenging to youâ€”thatâ€™s my personal promise.â€
HT: Karen L. Myers.
24 Jul 2017
SATIRE: The Onion:
CHICAGOâ€”Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residentsâ€™ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.
Sources at the cityâ€™s Department of Streets and Sanitation confirmed that over 250 ammunition-removal vehicles had been deployed to deal with the knee-deep layer of spent cartridges, which have been steadily accumulating on Chicagoâ€™s streets, alleys, and pedestrian walkways since the previous evening.
â€œOur crews have been out there all night trying to make our roadways passable, but given how quickly the handgun and semi-automatic shells have piled up, itâ€™s going to take some time,â€ DSS commissioner Charles L. Williams told reporters, thanking the public for its patience while crews made their way across the stricken municipality. â€œWeâ€™re making good headway, but as you can imagine, itâ€™s not an easy job, especially with casings continuing to fall throughout the city.â€
â€œSo unless you have an emergency, weâ€™re urging all citizens to stay put for the time being,â€ he added. â€œRight now, itâ€™s just not safe to be out in such treacherous conditions.â€
Williams stated that as casing levels surpassed 12 inches, scores of extra workers from outside the city were called in to help keep pace with the buildup. In addition, numerous dump truck crews have reportedly been tasked with carting off entire trailers full of cartridges from the hardest-hit areas and depositing them in nearby landfills before circling back to pick up more.
REALITY: Sun-Times 7/24:
Six men were killed and at least 35 other people were wounded in shootings across Chicago between Friday night and Monday morning.
The most recent deaths were the latest of 364 people fatally shot in the city this year, according to data maintained by the Chicago Sun-Times. In all, more than 2,075 people have been shot since the start of the year.
13 Sep 2016
Expressing regret over its reckless decision to infect the Democratic presidential nominee, the virus causing Hillary Clintonâ€™s pneumonia was reportedly terrified Monday after remembering what the Clintons were capable of. â€œOh shit, what the hell was I thinkingâ€”you donâ€™t get on the wrong side of these people,â€ said the infectious agent, which became increasingly worried while recalling just how far the Clintons were willing to go to get what they wanted, as well as what often happened to those who dared to cross the powerful politicians. â€œEverybody knows you never mess with the Clintons. These people wonâ€™t hesitate to absolutely crush you, and they have the money and connections to do it. I knew I shouldâ€™ve just stayed clear. Iâ€™m so fucked.â€
07 Oct 2015
Within milliseconds of the first inhalation, endorphins are released in the brainâ€™s societal-rebellion centers.
Nicotine stimulates the pleasure center of your brain, its gentle alkaloid fingers running slowly up and down your cortices.
The lungs compose a living will.
Impaired blood flow to the skin begins to cause wrinkles in women and rugged good looks in men.
A full drag held in the lungs for several seconds triggers an increase of dopamine and sense of euphoria in Philip Morris executives.
17 Jul 2015
The calming, new-idea-free zone will be open around the clock to comfort students who have read or heard opinions that are at odds with their preexisting worldview.
From The Onion:
LYNNFIELD, MAâ€”In an effort to provide sanctuary for Lynnfield College students exposed to perspectives different from their own, a new campus safe space was dedicated Wednesday in honor of Alexis Stigmore, a 2009 graduate who felt kind of weird in class one time.
Addressing students at the dedication ceremony, parents Arnold and Cassie Stigmore noted that while the college had adequate facilities to assist victims of discrimination, abuse, and post-traumatic stress, it had until now offered no comparable safe space for students, like their beloved daughter, who encounter an academic viewpoint that gives them an uncomfortable feeling.
â€œWhen our Alexis felt weird after hearing someone discuss an idea that did not conform to her personally held beliefs, she had no place to turn,â€ said Arnold Stigmore, standing outside the $2 million space that reportedly features soothing music, neutral-colored walls, oversized floor cushions, fun board games, and a variety of snacks. â€œGod forbid any of you, in your years at this institution, are ever confronted with an opinion you do not share. But if you are, you will have a refuge on this campus.â€
â€œIf unfamiliar thoughts are ever provoked in your mind, or in the mind of someone you know, you can come to this place and feel safe again,â€ he added.
Read the whole thing.
Hat tip to Robert Laird.